When Is the Right Time to Tell Him It Hurt

I've been back on my estrogen/testosterone compound for a while now and when I get horny, look out!  A few weeks ago, in a fit of passion I encouraged my partner to do something that on any other day I keep off limits: I slid his finger inside me.  What he did from there was mind-blowing.  I've only let one or two other people do that to me and I've NEVER enjoyed it at all. 

In three and a half years together, this is the first time he's done that.  It felt incredible.  It didn't bring me to climax, but it just felt so damn good.  With my extreme desire and his new found confidence in the sack, we've been having some steamy evenings.

Last Thursday night, we had what I would consider the greatest sexual encounter of our relationship.  Nothing comes close.  It was amazing.  There are no other words.

Tonight was great, except for one thing...  I didn't tell him no or gentle or ouch or be careful of that.  First of all, I wasn't in the mood for foreplay.  I just wanted sex.  My partner wanted to touch me.  I thought about saying something, but I didn't.  He was running his finger back and forth from the top of my clit to the end of my snatch.  He kept rubbing the opening of my urethra.  I thought, "I'm going to feel that tomorrow," but I didn't say anything.  My partner rubbed my clit vigorously and it hurt a bit, but I just didn't want to say anything. 

Now, three hours later my clit is still swollen and irritated and my urethral meatus feels uncomfortable.  All of this could have been avoided if I had just told him something to deter him.  But he's been so confident and I know how fragile that confidence is.  I didn't want to risk him pulling back and shutting down.  I'm now wondering if I should let him know to be careful with certain areas or just let it go.

The question is: when is the right time to tell him it hurts, if the pain isn't that bad?  In the moment?  Right after?  Days later?  Never?

I don't know if there's a correct answer.  I'm eager to hear what you think.  What the best way to tell him or her?

Vulvodynia VS The Wedding Dress

I've been cool as a cucumber through this year of wedding planning. I haven't been stressed about anything until Tuesday. That night I went for my last dress fitting. It was a balmy day and my seamstress didn't have the air conditioning on in her house. It felt a little stuffy, but not uncomfortable.

Once the dress was on, it was a different story. My dress is large. I have a huge crinoline and a ball grown skirt. There have to be at least 30 layers of fabric between my lady business and the outside world. I started to get hot in my dress and my flower began to wilt.

I hadn't thought about being hot in the dress. I started to feel very anxious. If I'm hot in that dress, I'm going to sweat. If I sweat too much, I could develop a yeast infection or a spike in lactobacillus or a smegma build up. All of which could lead to days and even weeks of pain.

One night of sweaty kitty could ruin my wedding night and even my entire honeymoon. Would you want to spend 8 hours walking in a foreign city if your crotch was on fire?

I started to feel hopeless and overwhelmed. Normal women don't have to worry about this nasty crap on their wedding day. It's not fair. I hate my vagina sometimes.

On the car ride home I curled up in a little ball. I felt powerless. My mom tried to comfort me. She told me to request that the AC be on at the reception location.

Since that night of panic, I've picked myself up and started strategizing. I made the request for AC and they were happy to oblige at the reception site. I'm going to pack a hand-held fan and baby powder in my bag along with a few pairs of cotton panties.

I don't really wear panties of any kind because the pressure irritates my clit. I purchased some hipster panties that have some extra clam room. I'm going to try wearing them a few times and see how my clit manages.

I don't want my stupid crippled vagina to ruin my big night. I'm afraid I'm going to have to periodically sneak away to air out my goods. I really hope it doesn't come to that.

Same Smegma, Different Day

Ugh! This is driving me crazy and it's so gross! It seems like every other day I have an accumulation of smegma in the folds of my clit. This causes pain, irritation and swelling. Smegma accumulation is a natural occurrence. In normal women, they don't even realize it's happening. It builds up and sloughs off, just like any other skin cells.

Unfortunately for me and other women with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia, it can be extremely uncomfortable. Even worse is trying to get that smegma out of those folds. The stretching and pulling and rubbing only heighten the pain.

I went and saw my doctor about this matter a few weeks ago. I asked him what I could do about it. He said soak, use a squirt bottle or a hand-held shower head. I have a hand held shower head. When there's something really lodged in there, naturally my shower head fails.

I was hoping he would tell me something useful! Something I hadn't already tried. Even doctors don't have all the answers...

I am really looking forward to the season change. The summer heat has obviously exacerbated this rather indelicate problem to the Nth degree. Cooler weather means no steamed clam. I can't wait!

Serious Design Flaw

On more than one occasion I've discovered that my clit was tender and swollen. Upon a thorough examination I've always found a buildup of shed cells stuck in one of the many nooks and crannies. Why are there so many folds down there? How do those folds benefit us?

Men would have a similar problem, but we circumcise them. In the USA, we take away the ugly extra folds of the foreskin that could cause hygiene problems. Why can't I get a little taken off the top? I'm not talking about full female circumcision. That's a horrific practice. I would just appreciate having my clit opened up a bit so stuff wouldn't get stuck in there.

I woke up in pain this morning. Usually I'm pain free in the morning, but today my clit feels raw and the opening of my urethra burns. The worst part is the urethral burning seems to be independent of peeing. What is going on down there?!?!?

I can't get comfortable and I have a painfully (yes, pun intended) long day. I have class until 10pm on top of a full day at the office. I'm going to go crazy. I can't skip it. It's the last class before the final, plus I have a quiz.

Sometimes, I wish I could just leave my vagina at home.

Sometimes, It Gets To You

I didn't go to the gym all last week because I was recovering from surgery. On Monday I was back on the horse, but I sensed trouble from the start. I got on the treadmill at a good clip and immediately started to feel sharp pain near my urethral meatus. I promptly reduced the speed and the pain stopped. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes of weights and abs.

By the end of the night, I was exhausted and beginning the next morning, I was in pain. Same place as the night before. It was dull, but it increased as the day wore on. Sitting really exasperated it.

I saw my doctor during my lunch break. He told me that everything looked fine, but in order to keep the skin from refusing I had to manipulate it. He applied some KY and began spreading open my clitoral hood with his thumbs and index fingers, while pushing my hood up.

"I don't want to do this a lot because it will hurt."

"It already hurts."

He told me to apply lidocaine jelly, wait for the numbness to kick in and then manipulate my business the way he had.

I didn't want to pull my folds apart and rub myself raw. Between the gym flare, caused by my ever-present pudendal neuralgia and the clitoral pain, there was no way I was going near by lady lumps.

I was in pain and feeling down. By the time I got home from work, I was exhausted and miserable. I was in a lot of burning pain and I felt helpless.

I miss the days when my pain was only caused by sex. I don't know what happened to bring on the pudendal neuralgia, but I hate it. I can't avoid it. Pudendal neuralgia affects everything I do.

I started feeling trapped in my body with a life sentence. I am going to be tortured by this pain for th rest of my life and I feel like it's getting worse. I just want it to stop.

I took a percocet after dinner and went to bed.

I'm in much better spirits today. I know thinking like that only makes my situation and my mood worse. But sometimes, it gets to you.

Recovery

I went into work on Wednesday and my boss sent me home early because I looked like a zombie.

I tried to go to work yesterday, but I couldn't see straight. I know from experience that I shouldn't get behind the wheel of a car when I'm seeing double. I don't want to drive into another parked car.

It was a nice and much needed break. I got to catch up and sleep and do some knitting. I know for future reference that it takes my body a long time to recover from anesthesia.

Honestly, the anesthesia was the worse part of this whole experience. The pain really wasn't that bad. Nothing compared to a flare. I had to ice my folds every night and the area is still extremely tender, but nothing I can't handle.

I worried for nothing, but how could I know? I've tried spreading my beef curtains to find the incision, with no luck. I know it's in there somewhere, but chances are I wouldn't want to see it.

Thank you to everyone for their support and good wishes.

Post-Surgery Was Ugly

I was ok when I woke up in recovery, but within a few minutes of getting to my mom's house I started to feel horribly nauseated. I choked down some cream of rice and lay still. As the day wore on a developed a migraine. I toke oxycodon for the pain, but it didn't seem to help much.

I took a nap mid-day then tried to eat lunch. As soon as I brought the soup to my mouth, I had to run to the bathroom and lie on the floor, willing myself not to throw up. It was awful.

I used an anti-nausea suppository and was able to choke down some soup. I didn't really feel any clitoral pain. All the pain was in my stomach and my head. There was no color in my face. I looked terrible.

After another nap I had dinner. I really had an appetite, despite the nausea. But an hour later I was back on the bathroom floor fighting the urge to vomit.

I got in bed with a cold washcloth and a dose of vicodin, my normal pain medication.

I didn't learn until today that oxycodon causes nausea! Why didn't anyone tell me? I wouldn't have taken the second dose. Anesthesia makes me nauseated anyway, but I have a feeling my day wouldn't have been quite as bad.

Today I'm feeling better, but I'm accutely aware of my clitoral pain. I feel like I have a big cut. There's a lot of soreness. I can't really get comfortable, but it doesn't seem to be effecting my pudendal nerve. Thank God!

I can't believe it's already Tuesday. I lost a day to surgery and nausea.

My mom was a saint and took incredible care of me. I was in no condition to be alone. I'm very lucky to have her.

The good news is, the pain is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. The bad news is, I really don't respond well to anesthesia. I'll make sure to bring home a prescription for nausea next time.

Thank you to everyone for your support and good wishes. I'm going back to work tomorrow with advil and vicodin. Hopefully I'll be comfortable.

6:30 a.m. Reporting for Surgery

I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow. I know it's minor, but the pain has the potential to be major. I don't know how well I'm going to sleep tonight, thinking about my early morning.

Hopefully, I'm worried for nothing. I'll know when the anesthesia wears off.

One Week Until Surgery

I had my pre-op last week. My doctor reviewed my responsibilities before surgery and reassured me that the procedure was very simple. I asked him if he could show me on the screen where he was going to cut. Although this was out of the ordinary for him, he happily obliged.

With his magnifying camera and the screen above the examining table, he was able to show me where the skin had fused. I could see the build up of cells under the skin. It's funny, that's not where I thought the problem was at all.

I proceeded to hunch over, spread my bits and show him the area where I continually find a build up of cells. He told me that my trouble spot looked ok. I told him that he would probably wind up having to open that area next.

Back in my doctor's office, he told me that there is always the risk that the problem not improve or get worse after the procedure, but it was unlikely. He told me, he could really do it in the office, save for the fact that I wouldn't be able to tolerate the pain. You do not want a patient to flinch when you're slicing her mystery mountain.

I'm nervous, but hopefully everything will be fine.

If Only I Were an Oyster

Yesterday I had an important meeting after business hours and I wanted to look professional. No baggy pants without panties. I wore a sharp pair of gray, fitted dress pants and a button down shirt. Naturally, with pants that fit, I need to wear panties.

The ensemble didn't bother me for most of the day, but by 7:00 pm when I headed home I became acutely aware that something was wrong.

I smiled my way through a lovely dinner that my fiance prepared. As soon as I finished washing the dishes, I had to excuse myself to take a look at my lady flaps.

To call a vag a clam or an oyster seems rather accurate, at least in my case. In nature, a pearl is created when a grain of sand or some other foreign matter enters the oyster and causes irritation. In response to the discomfort, the oyster coats the foreign invader with layers of mother of pearl to make it less abrasive. In the end, a beautiful pearl is formed.

When foreign matter becomes lodged in the folds of my oyster, the skin becomes inflamed and eventually the skin tries to heal over the invader to eliminate the discomfort. What I find are essentially pearls of sloughed skin deep in tiny craters that have formed around previous irritation. This is totally gross, but picture acne scars on your silk flower.

If a cranky oyster could just expel the foreign material, there would be no pain, and of course, not pearls.

Good news for me, bad news for anyone who loves pearls.

Scheduled for Surgery

I had another really unpleasant clitoral pain flare over the weekend. I discovered material lodged in a fold of skin that I could not remove. I tried warm water in a syringe, I tried my bare hands, I even tried a toothpick. You want to talk about painful! ! ! Oh my God, if I ever questioned whether or not I had pudendal neuralgia, I can't now. The difference in sensation between my inner thigh and my mound of Venus is unbelievable.

Finally, the next day, after repeated soakings and washings, I was able to dislodge the material. I feel better now, but this second incident has proved to me that I need surgical intervention to open up that fold of skin.

In the meantime, I'll continue to use the steroid ointment to open the fold myself, but I'm not optimistic. I'm scheduled for a Lysis of Labial Adhesion on Monday February 9.

A Very Intersting Article

I read the NVA News a few days ago and I'm still thinking about the second article titled, The Need for Research on Coexisting Conditions by Hannele Rubin, MSJ and Christin Veasley, BS. It outlines a number of different studies that have analyzed the relationship between coexisting conditions, like vulvodynia and IC. One doctor presented a theory that these chronic pain conditions could be cause by a birth defect as the urogenital tube forms in the developing embryo.

I can't stop thinking about that concept, and the more I think about it, the more I feel like it could hold water for me. My whole genital area, from tip to tail is in some way defective: I have the labial fusion on my clitorus, the vulvodynia on the vaginal skin, the pudendal neuralgia, and lastly, the precancerous mole just beside my hiny-hole. Good lord, that's a lot of problems in one concentrated area! The rest of me is fine. I have some anxiety and depression, but doesn't everyone to some extent?

What could possibly explain all these problem?

I don't know, but I hope someone figures it out.

Who knows, maybe someday I'll be testing that theory in my own research study. A girl can dream, can't she?

Why Couldn't It Be A Normal Problem?

I just have to reiterate how absurd this whole situation is. I really thought I was going to see my doctor and he would say, "yup, the skin looks a little irritated. Use some Hydrocortisone for a few days and go back to your old shampoo."

Instead he tells me that my clit is fusing shut. Come on! Does that really happen to people?!?!?

The good news is, the steroid seems to be making a difference. I've used it for 3 nights and my clitoral pain has decreased. I'm sure digging out that mass of epithelial cells helped as well. I haven't started pulling things apart when I apply the ointment. I want to let it calm down first.

I think between my class being over and my clit being treated, I should have a pretty nice weekend. I hope you all do the same.

Thank you for your thoughts and support through this difficult flare.

All I Want for Christmas Is a Brand New V

There always seems to be something going wrong in my netherlands. Here's the latest.

First, a disclaimer: I've grown almost too comfortable discussing lady bits, but this topic even makes me squirm. Please forgive the graphic content.

When I told my doctor that I was still having miserable clitoral pain he asked me if I had recently experienced any kind of straddling trauma. The answer is a definite no. My doctor decided that he needed to take a closer look.

Wearing magnifying specs, my doctor got an extreme closeup of my lady lump. He had to stretch it and spread it apart in every which way. At times it was so painful, I thought I was going to shoot right off the examining table.

He asked if I used any creams on that area and I told him no. I tried once and some of the product didn't dissolve and got stuck in my folds, causing me unbearable pain.

Just as I described, my doctor uncovered some material stuck in my hood. He put on the screen to show me what he was seeing. He then proceeded to squirt water to try and dislodge the matter, but to no avail. Finally he took a toothpick, a blue toothpick to be exact, and began gently scraping the material out of the fold.

The whole order was extremely uncomfortable, but being able to see what he was doing really helped. I knew what to expect and therefore I didn't jump when he made contact. Don't get me wrong, the view was gruesome. I told my doctor he could use that footage in a horror movie.

He was able to remove the material and he explained that it was a collection of skin that had sloughed off and gotten caught. He also told me that part of my clit was fusing together over a site of inflammation.

Apparently, when a collection of skins cells gets lodged in a clitoral fold it can cause inflammation and irritation. The skin then heals over the irritated area, trapping the material under the skin. What's worse is the skin now buried under a layer of fused skin is still sloughing off skin at the same rate. You can wind up with something similar to a cyst filled with sloughed skin matter. Gross!

Now the normal woman wouldn't even know this was transpiring just below her panties. But with my hypersensitivity from my pudendal neuralgia, the whole process is unbearable. Normal women only become aware of a problem much later when they lose sensitivity in their buttons.

At that point, my doctor performs a procedure to open up the fused folds and remove any trapped matter. It's a very minor procedure with only 2 or 3 sutures, but because of the area, patients must be in a very dark twilight sleep.

Patients who go through this procedure come out very happy on the other side because they can successfully flick their beans again.

I'm not a candidate for the surgery yet. My doctor gave me a steroid cream to help with inflammation. He also told me that when I apply it, I should try opening it up to try to reverse the fusion. If it doesn't get better in a few weeks, he told me to call and schedule the procedure.

I asked him what I could do for the pain in the interim and he told me not much. I can go up on the Neurontin or take opioids. Neither of those are appealing to me. I found this news pretty distressing.

When I left his office to go to the pharmacy, I started to feel nausious and panicky. The vision of my clit being raked with a toothpick coupled with the thought a surgical procedure made me feel sick and knowing that there's nothing I can do about the pain made me feel panicky, helpless and trapped in a body that continually fails me.

I bought myself a large Hershey's Symphony bar when I paid for my prescription and when I got home I took a Vicodin to try to take the edge off the searing pain in my clit from all the poking and prodding.

It was a rough night.