February 14, 2011

V Day... This Was Supposed To Be A Funny Post...

I've been planning this post for a while.  One of my girlfriends at school was sweet enough and brave enough to read my vulvodynia blog.  She enjoy the smorgasbord of names for the pink canoe and suggested I make a list for one post of all the different names I have in my repertoire.  I though V Day would be perfect, but I can't be silly right now.

It's stupid Valentine's Day, my husband made me a phenomenal meal, bought me flowers and a sparkly card, but I feel nothing.  No desire.  No connection.  No intimacy.  I don't know what's wrong with me or why it seems to be getting worse. 

I got my first C in nursing school today and I just don't care.  That's a bad sign.  I may be coming unglued.

February 11, 2011

It's Hurting More...

I've been doing really well with my pudendal neuralgia symptoms, aside from my attempt at Zumba.  On the other hand, unfortunately, I've been experiencing more problems with my vulvodynia. 

Nursing school and living with my parents have completely killed my sex drive.  From the time I turned 13, I've always been an overly sexual being.  It feels very strange.  I feel like a very big, important part of myself is missing.  My husband has become the sexual aggressor, but he's terrible at it.  It's my fault, though, I taught him that all he needed to do was tell me he was in the mood and I would jump him.  Those instructions came under completely different circumstances, when he had no sex drive. 

Having him say in passing that he wants sex is repulsive.  I never expected to feel this way.  We rarely have sex now and when we do, I have to force myself.  I don't want to disappoint him and reject him all the time.  I know those are not the right reasons to have sex. 

That could potentially be contributing to my increase in pain.  It's a new pain.  There is a great deal of pain upon insertion and it takes much longer to dissipate.  Where my pain was always focused on the base of the vestibule, but now the pain encircles the entire entrance.

Naturally the increase in pain does not help my nonexistent sex drive.  I've thought about seeing my specialist about it, but I don't want to bother.

It's sad.  I never thought I would be so indifferent to sex.

There are probably other issues I need to address in order to understand what's happened to me.     

February 1, 2011

Zumba + Pudendal Neuralgia = Freaky Pain

The spring semester started last Monday.  My girlfriends are on what I assume is a New Year's Resolution health kick.  They decided to attend a Zumba class at our gym and I hesitantly agreed to join them. 

The Zumba class at school was freaky!  Our instructor was flipping her hair, gyrating, and shaking her bits and pieces like a pro.  

When I was in undergrad, I loved to get freaky dancing at the clubs.  Sometimes if I was dancing on a bar or platform, men would hand me nasty, alcohol-soaked dollar bills.  Some girls might have found that degrading, but I loved it.  Despite that, even I was a little scandalized by the moves in this class.  (God, when did I get so OLD! !

Even though I made a conscious effort to keep my moves low-impact my pudendal nerve started to flare.  I realized that it wasn't the impact at all that was causing the pain, it was the thrusting and jiggling.  I may be a small girl, but I've got A LOT of booty and I know how to shake it.  I can only assume that the constant smack of my excessive booty tissue slamming against my pelvis irritated my cranky, prude pudendal nerve. 

Only half way through the class I had to stop.  I was the only one who couldn't keep up.  I sat out one song, then decided to just do the upper body and arm parts of the workout. 

I really enjoyed the class.  It was liberating!  I miss dancing like that.  It never used to bother my nerve.  I'd really love to attend another class, but I don't think my pudendal neuralgia will allow it.