Christmas CAME Early, Then I Got A Lump Of Coal

My husband and I spent the holiday with his family out of town. The day before we left, we got down to business, knowing it wasn't happening while we were under his parents' roof. I hadn't had an orgasm probably since the beginning of the honeymoon in mid-October. Let me clarify, I haven't had an orgasm with him since then.

There are a lot of factors that influenced my dry spell: for one thing I was depressed, so sex wasn't happening very often and also performances were less than stellar... But that day, I was at the helm. I didn't think it would happen, but it snuck up on me and boy did it feel good! A clitoral orgasm cannot compare to a vaginal orgasm in my book.

That leg-shaking, toe-curling experience drastically reduced my stress level while we were away.

However, just like the last time we knocked boots, I had a great deal of pain at the opening of my pink orchid that continued long after the sex was over and the lidocaine had been applied. Obviously, my vulvodynia is back with a vengeance.

To repair the damage I began regularly applying the estrogen/testosterone compound, and quickly found out why I had stopped it in the first place (I should really read my own blog!). It irritates the skin in the surrounding area, especially my clit.

The compound is Vaseline-based, so it's hard to wash off. The longer it lingers, the more my skin flares. I'm hoping my doctor can prescribe something that is water-based.

The pain from the sex trauma and the compound trauma has dissipated, but don't worry I fixed that by going to the gym and spending too much time on the elliptical machine. I caused a pudendal nerve flare that is concentrated on the opening of my urethra (sorry I don't have a fun way to describe that).

How the Hell am I supposed to lose the wedding weight, the honeymoon weight and the holiday weight? This blows.

Also, all the cheating I've done at work crouching on a desk chair when I should be standing has messed up my tail bone. Now it hurts to sit for a whole new reason! But to make it even better, it also hurts to bend over and lie flat on my back! Awesome!

This is what cheating gets you ladies: a whole new set of problems.

Please forgive me for the paragraphs of bitching. I just had to get it all out. Despite all this crap, I'm managing pretty well. I'm actually amused by how messed up things are right now. Perhaps that humor came through.

Back at Work & Back in Pants

I love the fall. It's my favorite time of year. The cool air and the gray skies make me really happy. It reminds me of when I truly fell in love with my husband. The only problem with the fall is that I have to start wearing pants. Ugh. Any woman with vulvodynia and/or pudendal neuralgia understands the pain of pants.

I've survived my first week back at work and I've had to wear pants and undies every day. Well, actually I couldn't take it today, so I'm going comando. I really can only wear panties for so long in a day before my clit starts complaining.

I'm back to the same old routine: my day begins with pain at a zero with the burning steadily increasing over the course of the work day. Resting at home after work brings the pain level down, but often not back to zero.

If I go to the gym, my pain level continues to increase. I call it waking the kitty. I'll be on the elliptical machine doing cardio when suddenly my kitty wakes up and starts howling. At that point I get off the machine and go sit on the toilet to rest my pudendal nerve. There's no science or medicine behind that, I just feel like maybe it might help. If nothing else I get to air it out after perspiring. Totally gross, I know...

Once I get home, I continue to rest and tender my pudendal nerve until bedtime. The next day, I wake up and repeat the cycle.

My life is like the movie Groundhog Day except with beavers.

A Workout Without Pain

Over the weekend I went to the gym and got through my entire 45 minute workout without any pain! It was awesome! I've modified what I do A LOT to accommodate my vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. Saturday those changes paid off.

I was on the elliptical for 20 minutes, but I only give it 50%. That's enough to get moving and elevate my heart rate to enough to be considered low impact fat burning. Usually by 12 minutes I start to hurt. Reducing my speed and resistance reduced the trauma to my nerve.

Since the last flare I hardly sit to do any weight training. I've been standing or lying down and working my arms, shoulders and legs. I have to sit to do back, but I've VERY careful.

I'm extremely relieved that I finally had a pain-free workout.

I'm not a gym-nut, by any means, but I've found that exercising makes a big difference in my life. Working out makes me feel proud of myself and satisfied. It's also helped reduce my anxiety and helped me fall asleep faster. Sleeping has been a problem for me since college. I'm now sleeping without Ambien. I've been on Ambien for 3 years. Finally, going to the gym has improved my appearance. I gained 25 pounds on Lyrica and I've spent a year and a half trying to work it all off.

I highly reccommend some form of exercise to any woman living with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. Impact can irritate the nerve, so don't go out and run a marathon or walk five miles, but get your heart beating. It feels good.

Gym Woes

Last week I had my treadmill trouble and this week it seems that I can't find a pain-free stationary exercise machine. Pudendal neuralgia is ruining my fitness routine.

Monday I went at it a little hard. I was doing short bursts of rigorous activity followed by periods of my normal pace... God, reading this I sound like some kind of workout freak! That couldn't be further from the truth. I started going to the gym after I gained 25 pounds on Lyrica. Exercise has been really good for me. I find it really satisfying and I can see the results.

After 20 minutes of that I was sweaty and tired and I started to feel some pain. I only did standing weights and hoped for the best. It didn't get better and by Tuesday I became more and more aware of my irritated nerve.

Wednesday, I was feeling better, so I thought I'd give it another shot, without pushing myself. Just so I could get my heart rate up. It took me 3 paces on the running machine to realize that was out of the question. I hopped off and got on the elliptical. After 20 minutes going extremely slowly, I started to feel that same burning pain around my urethral meatus.

Give me a freakin' break! I can't do anything. I'm getting really frustrated. I might make an appointment with my doctor to get some advice on what physical activities I can do. I'm feeling like a complete cripple.

I have a horrible flare. I'm in so much burning pain today. It's very uncomfortable, standing doesn't help at all.

This whole situation is exacerbated by the fact that my eating disorder demons have been sitting heavily on my chest all week. Wednesday marked 9 months free of any eating disorder behavior. It's been 13 years since I've gone that long.

It's probably a combination of stress from school, my first exam was Thursday, eating big meals with family and being bigger than I'd like to be. I want to be trim and fit for my wedding. I don't want big flappy arms in all my pictures.

It's a bad combination and I've had a very difficult week. I'm very grateful anti-anxiety medication. It came in handy more than once.