February 22, 2010

When Is the Right Time to Tell Him It Hurt

I've been back on my estrogen/testosterone compound for a while now and when I get horny, look out!  A few weeks ago, in a fit of passion I encouraged my partner to do something that on any other day I keep off limits: I slid his finger inside me.  What he did from there was mind-blowing.  I've only let one or two other people do that to me and I've NEVER enjoyed it at all. 

In three and a half years together, this is the first time he's done that.  It felt incredible.  It didn't bring me to climax, but it just felt so damn good.  With my extreme desire and his new found confidence in the sack, we've been having some steamy evenings.

Last Thursday night, we had what I would consider the greatest sexual encounter of our relationship.  Nothing comes close.  It was amazing.  There are no other words.

Tonight was great, except for one thing...  I didn't tell him no or gentle or ouch or be careful of that.  First of all, I wasn't in the mood for foreplay.  I just wanted sex.  My partner wanted to touch me.  I thought about saying something, but I didn't.  He was running his finger back and forth from the top of my clit to the end of my snatch.  He kept rubbing the opening of my urethra.  I thought, "I'm going to feel that tomorrow," but I didn't say anything.  My partner rubbed my clit vigorously and it hurt a bit, but I just didn't want to say anything. 

Now, three hours later my clit is still swollen and irritated and my urethral meatus feels uncomfortable.  All of this could have been avoided if I had just told him something to deter him.  But he's been so confident and I know how fragile that confidence is.  I didn't want to risk him pulling back and shutting down.  I'm now wondering if I should let him know to be careful with certain areas or just let it go.

The question is: when is the right time to tell him it hurts, if the pain isn't that bad?  In the moment?  Right after?  Days later?  Never?

I don't know if there's a correct answer.  I'm eager to hear what you think.  What the best way to tell him or her?


Lora said...

I have horrible pain issues with fingers. Worse than with actual sex. I don't know what it is. Whether it's just the anatomy of fingers. The hangnails, the joints, the dryness, the lotion, or what.

I sat my husband down the day after the time that it hurt the worst and was just honest with him. Laid it all out and gave him the old "it's not you, it's me". Told him that my body just wasn't made for that kind of touching.

Good luck.

(in a creepy Big Brother hopefully coincidence, my word verification code is "chassis"


the girl with pain "down there" said...


I understand exactly the dilemma that you're going through because I've been doing it for years. It is my experience that you must be honest with him. In the long run, it will only hurt you physically and emotionally not to.

You have a sexual desire now, and I'm so happy for you that you have that. I used to have that too, but I endured the pain for so many years without really being honest about how much it hurt. I too didn't want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings or bruise his confidence. But now, after so many years of associating pain with sexual activities, I no longer have any sexual desire at all.

So now, not only do I have to deal with the physical pain of it all, I have to deal with the emotional pain too. I don't just see a physical therapist, I see a psychologist. I associate sex and sexual activities with pain and I am completely turned off by it.

I know this is long, but my advice is to be completely honest, not only with him, but with yourself. You don't want to be in the place that I'm in.

Anonymous said...

One thing I've done with partners is afterward to ask these three questions to one another:

1) One thing you liked?
2) One thing you would have changed or left out?
3) One thing you'd have wanted more of.

If both of you do it, it seems more like 'lets keep making it better'

Anonymous said...

I would tell him the next day or whenever - when you're both in a fairly calm state to begin with. And then I would gently yet firmly - possibly loudly - remind him during ever after.

Beth said...

I think Anonymous had a great suggestion! I may even try it. ;) I agree that in some form or other, the communication has to be there. But I also know how fragile that ego can be when it's had years of rejection, frustration and worry. After dealing with pudendal neuralgia for 7 years, my hubby and I are finally getting it back on, but I initiate 99% of the time post surgery -- I get that, but I wish sometimes it'd be like the old days. When he does something that 'irritates' me, I gently murmer 'not there' or move his hand somewhere else....