March 10, 2010

Running From Stress

I'm under a great deal of stress right now.  I'm trying to get my house ready to put on the market, I'm waiting to hear from the colleges I applied to and I'm trying to figure out how I can afford to live.  I'm also terrified of making such a drastic career change.  Plus there are some family issues that I cannot discuss. 

It's not just the stress, I've also been depressed (hence the lack of posts lately).  I'm still somewhat overwhelmed by the idea of marriage.  Then two weeks ago a very dear friend of ours and half of our favorite couple came to us and said his marriage is dissolving.  They've only been married for eight months! ! !  But they've been together for eight years!  How could this happen?

This news shook me to the core.  They were my gold standard, my ideal.  I thought, if they can't do it, what hope do we have?  Of course, I shouldn't compare our marriages, but I saw some parallels that wrecked me. 

Amidst all the chaos, I've wanted to disappear.  I wanted to run from all the problems that are smothering me.  Of course, I have no money thanks to the wedding and I'm desperately trying to save for school.  Traveling didn't seem like an option, until I looked at my credit card points.  I have enough points to fly to Hawaii for free!  My parents are there visiting family there and I've been invited to join them. 

Initially I was so excited about this trip.  It was something I was going to do on my own.  I could rediscover my independence and get away from all my worries.  But the guilt set in quickly.  By the time I got home the night I booked the tickets I was a blubbering mess.  I felt awful about going on a vacation without my husband.  I begged him to come with me, but he said it didn't make sense.  Who would watch the animals?  Who would take care of both houses? 

He was right, but I thought we could work it out.  He insisted that I go alone and enjoy the time with my parents.  I've wavered on whether or not to go, but I would be a fool to miss this opportunity.  We won't be able to afford a vacation for at least the next two years and this is probably the last time I'll be able to travel with just my parents. 

I'm not looking forward to 15 hours of travel alone.  Flying causes me a great deal of anxiety.  No one will be there to hold my hand when I get nervous.  I know the nights will make me sad; and I hate the idea of being SO far away.  But I know somewhere in my right mind that this will be good for both of us.  It will be nice to miss each other.  Seeing him at the airport when I get home will be amazing! 

No comments: