February 18, 2009

Sometimes, It Gets To You

I didn't go to the gym all last week because I was recovering from surgery. On Monday I was back on the horse, but I sensed trouble from the start. I got on the treadmill at a good clip and immediately started to feel sharp pain near my urethral meatus. I promptly reduced the speed and the pain stopped. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes of weights and abs.

By the end of the night, I was exhausted and beginning the next morning, I was in pain. Same place as the night before. It was dull, but it increased as the day wore on. Sitting really exasperated it.

I saw my doctor during my lunch break. He told me that everything looked fine, but in order to keep the skin from refusing I had to manipulate it. He applied some KY and began spreading open my clitoral hood with his thumbs and index fingers, while pushing my hood up.

"I don't want to do this a lot because it will hurt."

"It already hurts."

He told me to apply lidocaine jelly, wait for the numbness to kick in and then manipulate my business the way he had.

I didn't want to pull my folds apart and rub myself raw. Between the gym flare, caused by my ever-present pudendal neuralgia and the clitoral pain, there was no way I was going near by lady lumps.

I was in pain and feeling down. By the time I got home from work, I was exhausted and miserable. I was in a lot of burning pain and I felt helpless.

I miss the days when my pain was only caused by sex. I don't know what happened to bring on the pudendal neuralgia, but I hate it. I can't avoid it. Pudendal neuralgia affects everything I do.

I started feeling trapped in my body with a life sentence. I am going to be tortured by this pain for th rest of my life and I feel like it's getting worse. I just want it to stop.

I took a percocet after dinner and went to bed.

I'm in much better spirits today. I know thinking like that only makes my situation and my mood worse. But sometimes, it gets to you.

1 comment:

Lora said...

oh Quinn.

That's so awful. I can't imagine the manipulation part. I would die.