February 6, 2009

Bad Night Back at School

My semester began on Tuesday. I'm taking Introduction to Inorganic and Biochemistry. Trust me, I'm not taking this class for pleasure. It's a prerequisite for the nursing program I'm applying for in 2010.

The 3 hour lecture is held in a lab room with tall lab tables instead of desks. The tables are about waist high and the chairs are small rolling desk chairs. I tried to orient my body in such a way to avoid putting pressure on the nerve, but there just wasn't enough chair. I couldn't fold my legs up and to the side, putting the majority of my weight on my hip.

By the second hour my nerve began to flare. I was in pain and I didn't know what to do. That old familiar pain crept into my throat and my eyes stung with tears. Why can't I sit through class without pain like everyone else? I felt like a cripple, hopeless and angry. Why does pudendal neuralgia and vulvodynia have to creep into every area of my life?

I swallowed my hurt and frustration and stood up. The bench is too low to write on and too tall for a different chair. I awkwardly spread my legs to bring me to right height to use the table as a writing surface.

To make matters worse, my professor is a terrible teacher. He's a pleasant funny old kook, but when it comes to explaining content he's the worst. My classmates were all in shock by his methods and extremely frustrated. I need to do well in the class and it looks as though I'm going to have to teach myself the material.

There's an online learning tool that comes with our text book, but we can't use it because, as our professor stated, "I don't use that crap!" I anticipate this will be a miserable semester.

When class finally ended, I drove home angrily and draped myself on the couch. Obviously, I couldn't sit. I was inconsolable . Thank God for anxiety drugs. I took one before bed to calm me down.

I succumbed to my tears before falling asleep. I hate the thought of living with these conditions for the rest of my life. Especially the pudendal neuralgia.

I have control over the vulvodynia. I use plenty of lubricant and I apply my hormone cream every night. If I'm in pain, I can avoid sex.

I don't have control over my pudendal neuralgia. I feel like it has control of me and it's never letting go.

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