All I Want for Christmas Is a Brand New V

There always seems to be something going wrong in my netherlands. Here's the latest.

First, a disclaimer: I've grown almost too comfortable discussing lady bits, but this topic even makes me squirm. Please forgive the graphic content.

When I told my doctor that I was still having miserable clitoral pain he asked me if I had recently experienced any kind of straddling trauma. The answer is a definite no. My doctor decided that he needed to take a closer look.

Wearing magnifying specs, my doctor got an extreme closeup of my lady lump. He had to stretch it and spread it apart in every which way. At times it was so painful, I thought I was going to shoot right off the examining table.

He asked if I used any creams on that area and I told him no. I tried once and some of the product didn't dissolve and got stuck in my folds, causing me unbearable pain.

Just as I described, my doctor uncovered some material stuck in my hood. He put on the screen to show me what he was seeing. He then proceeded to squirt water to try and dislodge the matter, but to no avail. Finally he took a toothpick, a blue toothpick to be exact, and began gently scraping the material out of the fold.

The whole order was extremely uncomfortable, but being able to see what he was doing really helped. I knew what to expect and therefore I didn't jump when he made contact. Don't get me wrong, the view was gruesome. I told my doctor he could use that footage in a horror movie.

He was able to remove the material and he explained that it was a collection of skin that had sloughed off and gotten caught. He also told me that part of my clit was fusing together over a site of inflammation.

Apparently, when a collection of skins cells gets lodged in a clitoral fold it can cause inflammation and irritation. The skin then heals over the irritated area, trapping the material under the skin. What's worse is the skin now buried under a layer of fused skin is still sloughing off skin at the same rate. You can wind up with something similar to a cyst filled with sloughed skin matter. Gross!

Now the normal woman wouldn't even know this was transpiring just below her panties. But with my hypersensitivity from my pudendal neuralgia, the whole process is unbearable. Normal women only become aware of a problem much later when they lose sensitivity in their buttons.

At that point, my doctor performs a procedure to open up the fused folds and remove any trapped matter. It's a very minor procedure with only 2 or 3 sutures, but because of the area, patients must be in a very dark twilight sleep.

Patients who go through this procedure come out very happy on the other side because they can successfully flick their beans again.

I'm not a candidate for the surgery yet. My doctor gave me a steroid cream to help with inflammation. He also told me that when I apply it, I should try opening it up to try to reverse the fusion. If it doesn't get better in a few weeks, he told me to call and schedule the procedure.

I asked him what I could do for the pain in the interim and he told me not much. I can go up on the Neurontin or take opioids. Neither of those are appealing to me. I found this news pretty distressing.

When I left his office to go to the pharmacy, I started to feel nausious and panicky. The vision of my clit being raked with a toothpick coupled with the thought a surgical procedure made me feel sick and knowing that there's nothing I can do about the pain made me feel panicky, helpless and trapped in a body that continually fails me.

I bought myself a large Hershey's Symphony bar when I paid for my prescription and when I got home I took a Vicodin to try to take the edge off the searing pain in my clit from all the poking and prodding.

It was a rough night.