November 24, 2009

OT: It's Never Just One Thing...

I don't have anything new to report on the vulvodynia or pudendal neuralgia front. Same old, same old.

I am dealing with another problem that is unrelated. It may be difficult for others to understand. I grew up in a chaotic household. My parents had a lot of problems and as I reached adolescence, so did I. I have the propensity to be incredibly self-destructive in all aspects of my life; from the people I associate with, to the actions I take.

I hit rock bottom more than four years ago, and at that point I began to turn my life around. I learned to value my life and myself. I distanced myself from my associates and I got a handle on all of my destructive behaviors.

It was during this time that I met my husband and went back to school. My life has been busy, but not chaotic. Unfortunately, whenever I hit a lull when I'm not busy, I start to come apart at the seams.

I'm in a massive lull right now. The wedding is over and my next semester doesn't begin until February. Most people would enjoy the downtime, but not me. There are dark corners of my mind that begin to take over. I feel dissociated, like I'm watching my life happen, but I'm not really there. I'm fighting the urge to self-destruct.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I thought I was over all of these problems. I finally have a good, stable life and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to live without chaos.

I'm getting help, but unfortunately this isn't a problem you can just fix with a pill. My therapist told me that I'm very complex. Great, that's the same thing my pelvic pain specialist said about my cooter! I'm just complex all and therefore nothing is easy.

A SIDE NOTE: I find it amusing that I can openly describe every nook and cranny of my lady bits, but when it comes to emotional issues, I'm extremely vague. I guess even I have limits.


The Robertsons of Mumbai said...

Hello! How about breathe and use this down time to rest you rbody and mind, to refuel for the busy time to come in Feb.? Just a thought... I'm jealous of your lull! ;)

Lora said...

as a life long self destructor, and a pro at letting the voices take over during the lulls, I'm ordering you to stay in therapy.

If your insurance allows, get two therapists. Sometimes I need one for one thing and another for another. It helps

Love to you.