OT: It's Never Just One Thing...

I don't have anything new to report on the vulvodynia or pudendal neuralgia front. Same old, same old.

I am dealing with another problem that is unrelated. It may be difficult for others to understand. I grew up in a chaotic household. My parents had a lot of problems and as I reached adolescence, so did I. I have the propensity to be incredibly self-destructive in all aspects of my life; from the people I associate with, to the actions I take.

I hit rock bottom more than four years ago, and at that point I began to turn my life around. I learned to value my life and myself. I distanced myself from my associates and I got a handle on all of my destructive behaviors.

It was during this time that I met my husband and went back to school. My life has been busy, but not chaotic. Unfortunately, whenever I hit a lull when I'm not busy, I start to come apart at the seams.

I'm in a massive lull right now. The wedding is over and my next semester doesn't begin until February. Most people would enjoy the downtime, but not me. There are dark corners of my mind that begin to take over. I feel dissociated, like I'm watching my life happen, but I'm not really there. I'm fighting the urge to self-destruct.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I thought I was over all of these problems. I finally have a good, stable life and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to live without chaos.

I'm getting help, but unfortunately this isn't a problem you can just fix with a pill. My therapist told me that I'm very complex. Great, that's the same thing my pelvic pain specialist said about my cooter! I'm just complex all and therefore nothing is easy.

A SIDE NOTE: I find it amusing that I can openly describe every nook and cranny of my lady bits, but when it comes to emotional issues, I'm extremely vague. I guess even I have limits.

Back at Work & Back in Pants

I love the fall. It's my favorite time of year. The cool air and the gray skies make me really happy. It reminds me of when I truly fell in love with my husband. The only problem with the fall is that I have to start wearing pants. Ugh. Any woman with vulvodynia and/or pudendal neuralgia understands the pain of pants.

I've survived my first week back at work and I've had to wear pants and undies every day. Well, actually I couldn't take it today, so I'm going comando. I really can only wear panties for so long in a day before my clit starts complaining.

I'm back to the same old routine: my day begins with pain at a zero with the burning steadily increasing over the course of the work day. Resting at home after work brings the pain level down, but often not back to zero.

If I go to the gym, my pain level continues to increase. I call it waking the kitty. I'll be on the elliptical machine doing cardio when suddenly my kitty wakes up and starts howling. At that point I get off the machine and go sit on the toilet to rest my pudendal nerve. There's no science or medicine behind that, I just feel like maybe it might help. If nothing else I get to air it out after perspiring. Totally gross, I know...

Once I get home, I continue to rest and tender my pudendal nerve until bedtime. The next day, I wake up and repeat the cycle.

My life is like the movie Groundhog Day except with beavers.