May 2, 2009

When Life Sends You More Things You Can't Fix

Life with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia is difficult enough. There's no cure and there's only so much you can do to make yourself comfortable. But at least that's my problem and I have to manage it or not manage it alone.

I do everything in my power to not let it spill into the rest of my life. More often than not, I see no point in letting people in on my pain because there's nothing they can do except feel bad for me. I don't want to make people feel bad for me. Sometimes I really need the support and I'll talk to someone, but generally not my fiance.

I'm currently battling another problem that I can't fix because it's not mine. My partner can be extremely moody. When he gets in a state, he completely shuts down and just won't speak or he's curt and nasty. Both options are awful. It's happening more and more and there's nothing I can do to help him. He won't communicate with me about what's wrong and try as I might, I can't get him to snap out of it.

When he gets like that, I feel trapped. He inevitably pulls me down with him. His behavior has me worried and discouraged, but there's nothing I can do.

How do you cope with a moody partner? What is the best way to handle it? Is it ok to leave for a little while so you don't get sucked down into it when he's having one of those days?

I honestly don't know what to do to protect myself from his moods without making things worse. Will my leaving for an hour or two when he's sulking and brooding hurt him? I tried to go out to get myself a sandwich on a particularly bad night and I felt so guilty I just turned around and went back home.

There's no manual on how to deal with this. Technically there are professionals who can advise me on this matter... I'll probably turn to my therapist next. I really need to learn some coping techniques because this is killing me.


Esther said...

Hugs Quinn!

I think talking to your therapist is a good starting point. S/he might have a recommendation about how to approach the problem sensitively, without setting your fiance off.

If I were you, I'd feel compelled to communicate with him about what's going on. I think it's fine to leave him alone sometimes, but that's not something you want to have to resort to indefinitely. With any luck this is just a phase that will pass with time and patience and some talking. I'm thinking of you!

Quinn said...

Dear Esther,

Thank you very much for your support and guidance. I really appreciate hearing from you.

AK said...

This sounds very familiar. My boyfriend and I moved in together about a year ago, and he is very moody. He's also got such a domineering personality, that it becomes very difficult not to be dragged down with him when he's being that way. And I have a lot of things to drag me down right now... including the pudendal neuralgia.

I second Esther's comment. You should talk to him about what's bothering you (perhaps after some advice from your therapist). I used to leave the house or mope around in the bedroom when my bf was acting stupid, but finally I had to tell him to snap out of it or talk to me or do something to make himself happier.

Natalie said...

Quinn, I hear where you're coming from.

My boyfriend gets super moody and it's really hard to deal with him. I used to spend the days he was in a bad mood striving to make things ok, without any clue as to what was wrong. It started turning into really big fights and arguments between to two of us and sometimes still does.

I think talking to your therapist will assist you in finding the right ways to talk to him. Communication is really important, letting things slide is going to make it worse.

With my boyfriend I found out a lot of it was because he had issues going on he wasn't telling me about because he didn't want to put more on my plate. We're still working on things now.

I hope things work out!

Mattenylou said...

Quinn -
I remember a conversation I had with my Mother 40 years ago.. She was standing behind her ironing board, and I can still see the sunlight coming in the window behind her - that's how much this conversation meant, and it has been 'relived' many times in my mind.

She said to me - "How many times are you going to make excuses for HIM? He's not a happy person and probably never will be. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so negative?"

I have gone over this conversation in my mind so many times. I was 19 at the time, and I 'knew' I could 'fix him'... Hey, we were in love, having parties, taking daytrips, planning a wedding and buying a home - everything was wonderful, for me... but... he was so miserable! Everyone saw it but me.

After "tip-toeing" around him for 7 years, I realized I had to get out of that marriage. I recently spoke to him - and he still has a lousy attitude about everything. Our daughter rarely speaks to him, she says he's too moody to deal with.

Just sayin' - think this over carefully... and Hugs to you!

Quinn said...

Dear Mattenylou,

Thank you so much for sharing that story. I am giving it a lot of thought. I've made it clear to him that if he won't get better, I will reach a breaking point and I'll have to leave. Not to hurt or punish him, but to protect myself from being pulled into his misery.

I hope and pray that day never comes because I do love him with all my heart. He's a wonderful man.