I'm So Much Better and What Has It Gotten Me...

In some ways I was better off when I was crippled by vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. I'm beginning to worry about how sexually compatible my partner and I are. When I had to go weeks without intercourse, we didn't have a problem. He understood and I did plenty of things in the interim to keep him satisfied. Now that I have a pretty good handle on the vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia, I can have sex more frequently. I can even have sex two days in a row! Although I can, I usually don't, because my partner isn't in the mood.

I have a lot of trouble wrapping me head around that. Call me sexist, but he's a man! Shouldn't he be perpetually in the mood? Shouldn't he be ready to go any time? Shouldn't even suggestive dialogue get him turn him on? Apparently not.

I've never been with someone like this before. Every guy I've ever been with has had a very strong sex drive. Even the one night stands, obviously they wouldn't have happened if the guy hadn't been ready to rip someones clothes off. I was just stupid enough to volunteer.

Sexual compatibility is extremely important to a successful lifelong relationship, even the Catholic Church thinks so. That's why I'm up at my computer at 1:00 in the morning. I'm worried that my partner cannot satisfy my sexual needs. How can I spend the rest of my life in that situation? How can I work so hard DAILY to enjoy sex only to be rejected time and time again?

There's always an excuse, "I'm exhausted, it's too late, I've got a lot on my mind." It's not going to get easier, we're always going to be tired, there are never going to be enough hours in the day, and we're always going to be worried about something, if we can't manage to have regular sex now, we never will.

Not So Annual...

I had my "annual" with my regular gynecologist on Wednesday. I hadn't seen her since May of 2006! That's terrible. When you see a gynecologist on a painfully (yes, bad pun intended) regular basis, you forget there are other important reasons to see a gynecologist. Oops!

I warned her that I was in some pain that morning and to go easy on me. She used her smaller speculum, but you could have fooled me. It hurt like crazy. I think that thing should be lubricated before it gets inserted. She did all the standard STD tests, leaving out HPV. Apparently it's so common in women in my age group that they only see fit the check for the virus if the pap test comes back irregular. I knew HPV was common, but I had no idea it was THAT common.

Since my gynecologist also handles pregnancy and delivery, I decided to ask her a few medical questions. I'm a very serious planner and with my professional and academic goals, I really need to schedule in a pregnancy or two between degrees.

I asked if it was safe to continue to take Neurontin during pregnancy. She said she wasn't sure, but she thought so. She said that would be better than having to take narcotics for flares. I also learned that other medications that I take could still be taken during a pregnancy with minimal risk.

I am tremendously relieved. I thought I would have to be out of my mind and in constant pain for the entire pregnancy. After so many positive answers I decided to ask the most important question: would she permit a C-section given my vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. She told me that was completely reasonable.

Now I feel like pregnancy is a real possibility... down the road... way, way, way down the road.

One of the Biggest Accomplishments of My Life

Monday May 25, 2009 marked one year free from the grips of my eating disorder. I have lived with anorexia for 13 years. My eating disorder has been the one problem I couldn't fix. I continued to periodically torment myself with food. I starved myself or through up the food I ate. It became another form of self-mutilation. When things in my life were going wrong, I turned to food as a way to hurt myself.

One year ago I through up so hard I broke blood vessels in my face. My head began to pound and I had stop myself. Hours later, the headache continued. The next morning it was still there despite doses or Motrin and Valium. Driving to work that morning, every time I hit a bump in the road, I would get shots of pain in my head. It was excruciating and more so, it was scary.

Another day passed and the pain was no better. Every bump, every pothole, every speed bump sent jolts of pain into my head. I started to worry that I had broken or damaged a blood vessel in my brain. I was afraid I was going to have an aneurysm. I called my neurologist and scheduled a battery of tests. I had an MRI, an MRA and an MRV.

Thankfully, I was fine. After 10 days, the pain subsided, but I vowed that that was the last time. I couldn't do that to myself any more and I couldn't do that to my loved ones. I wasn't going to let anorexia kill me.

It has been a long year. There have been times when I've been tempted to self-destruct, but I haven't. I'm healthier than I've ever been. I eat well and I work out twice a week. Every day is a battle, but now I'm strong enough to fight.

Living with a B and Vulvodynia

This semester I had to take Introduction to Inorganic and Biochemistry. The class is a prerequisite for the nursing program I hope to begin in the Fall of 2010.

This was the most difficult class I have taken so far. The professor was a kookie old man who probably should have retired a few years back. He did not stop to answer questions and he erased figures on the board as soon as he had finished drawing them. He justified that by saying, "it took me this long to write it and it should take you the same amount of time." Of course, he neglected the fact that he was standing in front of the figure as he was drawing it and therefore unless we had the gift of X-ray vision, there was no way we could see what he was drawing. Going to class only confused and frustrated me.

I got a 73 on my first exam and my heart sunk. The exam was extremely difficult. He included material that we had never discussed in class. I'm an A student and I need strong grades to even be considered for the nursing program at any school. I realized that my future was in the hands of a mad man.

I started studying religiously, teaching myself the materail, taking extensive notes from the book and supplimenting it from what I could grasp from lecture. The harder I worked, the better I did. I got an 89 on the second exam and a 96 and the third.

The final was cumulative (ugh!). I studied every day for a week, writing and rewriting formulas and strutures to cement them in my head.

The day of the final I was surrounded by pages and pages of drawings of polysaccharides, fatty acids, amino acids and other organic compounds. I felt confident going into the exam, but the confidence dwindled as soon as I got to the short answer section. He threw in questions that were so far out of left field. No one knew how to answer them. He left us so ill-prepared. (Did I mention that he didn't believe in reviewing because "every class before the exam is a review."?)

When he stepped out of the room for a minute everyone began saying, "what the fuck is this?" At least I wasn't the only one who felt completely lost. I did the best I could and reluctantly turned in my exam, reminding myself that based on my other grades, I could get a 62 and still get a B.

I didn't want to get a 62. I wanted to get an A. It wouldn't have changed my final grade, but I wanted that A for me. I studied harded for that exam than I ever have for anything. I knew the material so well.

This morning I went to meet with my professor to see my exam grade. After all the stress and worry I got an 86. I honestly thought I was going to get a 65. I'm very proud of my grade. I finished the most difficult class that I've taken with a strong B. I'll take it!

Rave Review for the House of Foam

After work on Friday, I rushed over to the House of Foam not knowing what to expect. It was a combination foam shop and car stereo place. They had foam in different strengths and thicknesses. I brought in my modified Brookstone cushion and the nice man traced it onto a specific foam. With a vertical saw, he cut out the pattern to make two different cushions. It was so quick and easy! And the best part... each cushion only cost me $11! ! !

I went with a firmer foam this time that was still very comfortable. I was very impressed with the store and the gentleman working. I would highly recommend checking out House of Foam for your lady part needs. Unfortunately, it's a local store.

I took my new cushion out for a test drive as soon as I got back in my car to drive home. It seemed to work well, but the big test was going to be the next night at the baseball game.

Because I felt self conscious and I also wanted to keep it clean, I carried my cushion in a large plastic bag. I had no problem getting it past security. When we got to our seats, I took the cushions out of the bag and spread the bag over my seat, before positioning the cushion. After a few adjustments, I was ready to go.

I am proud to say I sat for 3 hours with no discomfort! The game wasn't so bad. There were a lot of homeruns. I wasn't really paying attention though. I think I enjoyed the game because I had wonderful company. My finance was in great form. He was loving an affectionate, something that is rather out of character. I could tell that he was so happy to have me on his arm. The couple who brought us to the game were so much fun.

Best part was, my cushion passed with flying colors.

Leave Me Out Of The Ball Game...

Sing it with me:

Leave me out of the ball game
Leave me out of the crowd
I need a cushion or I can't sit
Why should I put up with this shit

I am not a baseball fan. When I'm subjected to it on television, I'm bored out of my mind. Tomorrow night I'll be subjected to it in person. My fiance and I, along with another couple are going to a baseball game. I'm going because I really like the other couple and I thought it was more of a "thing to do." I didn't think we'd stay that long. Turns out the guy we're going with is a die hard Yankees fan. Looks like we'll be there all night...

Of course, even if I didn't have an aversion to baseball, this would be a problem. Everyone sits at a baseball game. I can't be that weird chick who's standing up the whole time. People will throw stuff at me. Frankly, I've had enough shit thrown at me lately.

Guess that means I'm sitting...

The coushin I have is Tempur Pedic, which means it gets softer as it warms to your body. That was fine in the winter, when I bought it, but now it's warm. As soon as I put my big butt on that cushion it turns into a pancake! No support at all. It's not going to do me any good tomorrow when it's 80 degrees.

Chances are I'm already going to be a bad sport (bad pun intended) so I have to make a better cushion. That way at least the game won't be physically painful. But trust me, it will still be quite painful!

Today after work, I'm going to the House of Foam to have a new cushion made. I need a more supportive foam that won't be influenced by temperature. I've never been there before. Hopefully this goes well and the price is right. I might have a couple made.

I'll write a review later.

When Life Sends You More Things You Can't Fix

Life with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia is difficult enough. There's no cure and there's only so much you can do to make yourself comfortable. But at least that's my problem and I have to manage it or not manage it alone.

I do everything in my power to not let it spill into the rest of my life. More often than not, I see no point in letting people in on my pain because there's nothing they can do except feel bad for me. I don't want to make people feel bad for me. Sometimes I really need the support and I'll talk to someone, but generally not my fiance.

I'm currently battling another problem that I can't fix because it's not mine. My partner can be extremely moody. When he gets in a state, he completely shuts down and just won't speak or he's curt and nasty. Both options are awful. It's happening more and more and there's nothing I can do to help him. He won't communicate with me about what's wrong and try as I might, I can't get him to snap out of it.

When he gets like that, I feel trapped. He inevitably pulls me down with him. His behavior has me worried and discouraged, but there's nothing I can do.

How do you cope with a moody partner? What is the best way to handle it? Is it ok to leave for a little while so you don't get sucked down into it when he's having one of those days?

I honestly don't know what to do to protect myself from his moods without making things worse. Will my leaving for an hour or two when he's sulking and brooding hurt him? I tried to go out to get myself a sandwich on a particularly bad night and I felt so guilty I just turned around and went back home.

There's no manual on how to deal with this. Technically there are professionals who can advise me on this matter... I'll probably turn to my therapist next. I really need to learn some coping techniques because this is killing me.