Group Therapy Update: Seeing Some Improvement

I haven't mentioned Group in a while and that's simply because I have no complaints.  I'm really enjoying it (if that's the right word) and finding it surprisingly helpful.  There's one woman who is very similar to me, almost to the point of being eerie.  Seeing some of my behaviors in another person makes me want to vigorously work on myself.  I'm finally seeing the qualities in myself that others have described for so many years.

Since I was six years old, I've been described as very serious, very rigid, intense.  I just didn't see it.  I don't think of myself as serious or intense, but watching her, I can easily see how others could perceive me that way.  I'm trying to be more fun and confident in myself.  I'm pushing myself out of my limited comfort zone. 

Last weekend, I reconnected with some old friends.  I hadn't seen them in years, and in one case, the friendship had ended poorly.  I didn't want to go.  I almost backed out of several occasions.  Why?  I don't really have a good answer.  I felt terribly shy and self-conscious.  I was afraid it would be awkward between me and my estranged friend.

I wanted to bring my husband as a crutch.  We was invited.  If he went, I wouldn't be afraid to go. 

I realized that this was something I needed to do on my own.  They were my friends from a time long before my husband and I wanted to challenge myself, overcome a very silly fear.

I went alone and I had the BEST time!  I really let my hair down.  I cleared the air between my estranged friend and I and I'm really hoping to see a lot more of him in the future.  I had a few drinks and stayed out until 3:30 am!  It was great!  I got to be myself and really laugh. 

I work so hard at my job, at school, on my house that I completely forget to have fun every now and then.  I carried my hangover with pride the next day as I repainted my basement floor.  Life is good.   

Visiting a Nursing School

I found out last Thursday I've been accepted to both schools to which I applied!  I now have a difficult choice to make.  I'm so excited to have a choice. 

I'm visiting one school today to take a tour of their facilities and get more details about their program.  This particular school offers a Master's of Science in Nursing for second degree applicants who satisfy the prerequisites.  The focus is a little different than a basic BS in Nursing and I want to know how it compares. 

I need to make an informed decision.  In the BS program at the other school, I would be a big fish in a small pond.  I think I could do very well.  In the MS program I would be plankton floating in a vast ocean. 

More importantly, the BS programs offers a great deal of prep for the NCLEX exam.  You can't be a nurse without successfully passing this exam.  I want to know how much the other school focuses on this exam.

Although these factors are influential, unfortunately, the most important factor is money.  I am still waiting to receive my financial aid packages from both schools.  Regardless of which school is best, I have to choose the school that offers me the best deal.  I still have another degree to go before I can become a Women's Health Nurse Practitioner.  I can't rack up all my debt with this one degree and I don't want to be forced to take out private loans.  

My life is is still very much in limbo.  It will be a few more weeks before I receive my financial aid; until then I won't know where I'm going.   

Home From Hawaii

I'm back at home and back to work.  I had an incredible time, although I missed my husband quite a bit. 

I brought my cushion on the plane with me and survived 14 hours of travel each way without pain.  That thing is a lifesaver!  I only had one day of pain, following a five mile hike to a waterfall.  Had I know the hike was so long, I doubt I would have done it. 

But three years ago when I was in Hawaii, I attempted the same hike and failed.  I was on Lyrica and Ambien at the time.  I had trouble functioning and I was putting on weight.  I got overheated and had to stop. 

This year I made it without even getting tired.  It was a great accomplishment and worth the pain that followed. 

More Traveling with Vulvodynia & PN

I haven't written lately because I've been doing pretty well.  I'm dividing my work day between standing and sitting on my cushion.  I've gone longer in the day without pain.

I just travelled for 13+ hours to visit family in Hawaii.  I brought my cushion along and it help make the eight hour flight tolerable.  Best of all, I didn't leave the cushion in a cab once I got here (happened on my honeymoon.)  Also, unlike my honeymoon, I'm traveling without my husband.  My parents are here, my aunt, uncle and a host of cousins, are here as well, but I am just heartsick. 

The time will go by quickly and I would have been a fool to pass on this opportunity.

Running From Stress

I'm under a great deal of stress right now.  I'm trying to get my house ready to put on the market, I'm waiting to hear from the colleges I applied to and I'm trying to figure out how I can afford to live.  I'm also terrified of making such a drastic career change.  Plus there are some family issues that I cannot discuss. 

It's not just the stress, I've also been depressed (hence the lack of posts lately).  I'm still somewhat overwhelmed by the idea of marriage.  Then two weeks ago a very dear friend of ours and half of our favorite couple came to us and said his marriage is dissolving.  They've only been married for eight months! ! !  But they've been together for eight years!  How could this happen?

This news shook me to the core.  They were my gold standard, my ideal.  I thought, if they can't do it, what hope do we have?  Of course, I shouldn't compare our marriages, but I saw some parallels that wrecked me. 


Amidst all the chaos, I've wanted to disappear.  I wanted to run from all the problems that are smothering me.  Of course, I have no money thanks to the wedding and I'm desperately trying to save for school.  Traveling didn't seem like an option, until I looked at my credit card points.  I have enough points to fly to Hawaii for free!  My parents are there visiting family there and I've been invited to join them. 

Initially I was so excited about this trip.  It was something I was going to do on my own.  I could rediscover my independence and get away from all my worries.  But the guilt set in quickly.  By the time I got home the night I booked the tickets I was a blubbering mess.  I felt awful about going on a vacation without my husband.  I begged him to come with me, but he said it didn't make sense.  Who would watch the animals?  Who would take care of both houses? 

He was right, but I thought we could work it out.  He insisted that I go alone and enjoy the time with my parents.  I've wavered on whether or not to go, but I would be a fool to miss this opportunity.  We won't be able to afford a vacation for at least the next two years and this is probably the last time I'll be able to travel with just my parents. 

I'm not looking forward to 15 hours of travel alone.  Flying causes me a great deal of anxiety.  No one will be there to hold my hand when I get nervous.  I know the nights will make me sad; and I hate the idea of being SO far away.  But I know somewhere in my right mind that this will be good for both of us.  It will be nice to miss each other.  Seeing him at the airport when I get home will be amazing! 

When Is the Right Time to Tell Him It Hurt

I've been back on my estrogen/testosterone compound for a while now and when I get horny, look out!  A few weeks ago, in a fit of passion I encouraged my partner to do something that on any other day I keep off limits: I slid his finger inside me.  What he did from there was mind-blowing.  I've only let one or two other people do that to me and I've NEVER enjoyed it at all. 

In three and a half years together, this is the first time he's done that.  It felt incredible.  It didn't bring me to climax, but it just felt so damn good.  With my extreme desire and his new found confidence in the sack, we've been having some steamy evenings.

Last Thursday night, we had what I would consider the greatest sexual encounter of our relationship.  Nothing comes close.  It was amazing.  There are no other words.

Tonight was great, except for one thing...  I didn't tell him no or gentle or ouch or be careful of that.  First of all, I wasn't in the mood for foreplay.  I just wanted sex.  My partner wanted to touch me.  I thought about saying something, but I didn't.  He was running his finger back and forth from the top of my clit to the end of my snatch.  He kept rubbing the opening of my urethra.  I thought, "I'm going to feel that tomorrow," but I didn't say anything.  My partner rubbed my clit vigorously and it hurt a bit, but I just didn't want to say anything. 

Now, three hours later my clit is still swollen and irritated and my urethral meatus feels uncomfortable.  All of this could have been avoided if I had just told him something to deter him.  But he's been so confident and I know how fragile that confidence is.  I didn't want to risk him pulling back and shutting down.  I'm now wondering if I should let him know to be careful with certain areas or just let it go.

The question is: when is the right time to tell him it hurts, if the pain isn't that bad?  In the moment?  Right after?  Days later?  Never?

I don't know if there's a correct answer.  I'm eager to hear what you think.  What the best way to tell him or her?

Shovelling Upset My Kitty

Today I had to dig out my car and my driveway once again.  This is really getting old! 

Apparently snow shoveling puts pressure on the pudendal nerve.  I noticed as I lifted a shovel load of heavy snow there was a twinge of pain in the opening of my urethra.  I tried to shovel a few more times, but pain persisted.  I decided to quit and rest my nerve to avoid a flare. 

I hate feeling disabled but I'm happy to put the shovel down.  There are a few "benefits," if you will to vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia.  For instance, my cousin in-law was in labor for the last 30 hours.  That's something I won't have to endure.