Home From Hawaii

I'm back at home and back to work.  I had an incredible time, although I missed my husband quite a bit. 

I brought my cushion on the plane with me and survived 14 hours of travel each way without pain.  That thing is a lifesaver!  I only had one day of pain, following a five mile hike to a waterfall.  Had I know the hike was so long, I doubt I would have done it. 

But three years ago when I was in Hawaii, I attempted the same hike and failed.  I was on Lyrica and Ambien at the time.  I had trouble functioning and I was putting on weight.  I got overheated and had to stop. 

This year I made it without even getting tired.  It was a great accomplishment and worth the pain that followed. 

More Traveling with Vulvodynia & PN

I haven't written lately because I've been doing pretty well.  I'm dividing my work day between standing and sitting on my cushion.  I've gone longer in the day without pain.

I just travelled for 13+ hours to visit family in Hawaii.  I brought my cushion along and it help make the eight hour flight tolerable.  Best of all, I didn't leave the cushion in a cab once I got here (happened on my honeymoon.)  Also, unlike my honeymoon, I'm traveling without my husband.  My parents are here, my aunt, uncle and a host of cousins, are here as well, but I am just heartsick. 

The time will go by quickly and I would have been a fool to pass on this opportunity.

Running From Stress

I'm under a great deal of stress right now.  I'm trying to get my house ready to put on the market, I'm waiting to hear from the colleges I applied to and I'm trying to figure out how I can afford to live.  I'm also terrified of making such a drastic career change.  Plus there are some family issues that I cannot discuss. 

It's not just the stress, I've also been depressed (hence the lack of posts lately).  I'm still somewhat overwhelmed by the idea of marriage.  Then two weeks ago a very dear friend of ours and half of our favorite couple came to us and said his marriage is dissolving.  They've only been married for eight months! ! !  But they've been together for eight years!  How could this happen?

This news shook me to the core.  They were my gold standard, my ideal.  I thought, if they can't do it, what hope do we have?  Of course, I shouldn't compare our marriages, but I saw some parallels that wrecked me. 


Amidst all the chaos, I've wanted to disappear.  I wanted to run from all the problems that are smothering me.  Of course, I have no money thanks to the wedding and I'm desperately trying to save for school.  Traveling didn't seem like an option, until I looked at my credit card points.  I have enough points to fly to Hawaii for free!  My parents are there visiting family there and I've been invited to join them. 

Initially I was so excited about this trip.  It was something I was going to do on my own.  I could rediscover my independence and get away from all my worries.  But the guilt set in quickly.  By the time I got home the night I booked the tickets I was a blubbering mess.  I felt awful about going on a vacation without my husband.  I begged him to come with me, but he said it didn't make sense.  Who would watch the animals?  Who would take care of both houses? 

He was right, but I thought we could work it out.  He insisted that I go alone and enjoy the time with my parents.  I've wavered on whether or not to go, but I would be a fool to miss this opportunity.  We won't be able to afford a vacation for at least the next two years and this is probably the last time I'll be able to travel with just my parents. 

I'm not looking forward to 15 hours of travel alone.  Flying causes me a great deal of anxiety.  No one will be there to hold my hand when I get nervous.  I know the nights will make me sad; and I hate the idea of being SO far away.  But I know somewhere in my right mind that this will be good for both of us.  It will be nice to miss each other.  Seeing him at the airport when I get home will be amazing! 

When Is the Right Time to Tell Him It Hurt

I've been back on my estrogen/testosterone compound for a while now and when I get horny, look out!  A few weeks ago, in a fit of passion I encouraged my partner to do something that on any other day I keep off limits: I slid his finger inside me.  What he did from there was mind-blowing.  I've only let one or two other people do that to me and I've NEVER enjoyed it at all. 

In three and a half years together, this is the first time he's done that.  It felt incredible.  It didn't bring me to climax, but it just felt so damn good.  With my extreme desire and his new found confidence in the sack, we've been having some steamy evenings.

Last Thursday night, we had what I would consider the greatest sexual encounter of our relationship.  Nothing comes close.  It was amazing.  There are no other words.

Tonight was great, except for one thing...  I didn't tell him no or gentle or ouch or be careful of that.  First of all, I wasn't in the mood for foreplay.  I just wanted sex.  My partner wanted to touch me.  I thought about saying something, but I didn't.  He was running his finger back and forth from the top of my clit to the end of my snatch.  He kept rubbing the opening of my urethra.  I thought, "I'm going to feel that tomorrow," but I didn't say anything.  My partner rubbed my clit vigorously and it hurt a bit, but I just didn't want to say anything. 

Now, three hours later my clit is still swollen and irritated and my urethral meatus feels uncomfortable.  All of this could have been avoided if I had just told him something to deter him.  But he's been so confident and I know how fragile that confidence is.  I didn't want to risk him pulling back and shutting down.  I'm now wondering if I should let him know to be careful with certain areas or just let it go.

The question is: when is the right time to tell him it hurts, if the pain isn't that bad?  In the moment?  Right after?  Days later?  Never?

I don't know if there's a correct answer.  I'm eager to hear what you think.  What the best way to tell him or her?

Shovelling Upset My Kitty

Today I had to dig out my car and my driveway once again.  This is really getting old! 

Apparently snow shoveling puts pressure on the pudendal nerve.  I noticed as I lifted a shovel load of heavy snow there was a twinge of pain in the opening of my urethra.  I tried to shovel a few more times, but pain persisted.  I decided to quit and rest my nerve to avoid a flare. 

I hate feeling disabled but I'm happy to put the shovel down.  There are a few "benefits," if you will to vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia.  For instance, my cousin in-law was in labor for the last 30 hours.  That's something I won't have to endure.  

How Many Inches...

We just got walloped with another 20 inches of snow! ! !  I'm going to miss an entire week of work at this rate.  The good news is we haven't lost power.  We're just stuck.  I hate being trapped in any capacity literally and figuratively.  I can't get much more trapped! 

Yesterday we walked through the neighborhood to the nearest convenience store because I needed a machine cappuccino.  I was reading for school and it was putting me to sleep.  While we were there I bought my first ever Playgirl.  What else am I going to do while I'm stuck here?

I have a fascination with penis.  If I had it my way, I would see a lot more penis than I do.  Wow!  Playgirl is just full of penis!  I had no idea.  I didn't know they showed everything.  I just figured like every other double standard in Hollywood, we would just see a suggestive glimpse of penis here and there.  But no, I opened the first page and there was penis everywhere. 

I haven't spent a lot of time looking at Playgirl, but you know the typical girl that winds up in there satisfies the American standard of "beauty" and most of them have nice round fake boobs.  The same standards are not applied to Playgirl.  Perhaps nice penis is hard to come by (oh lord, pun intended).

A lot of the cocks in this issue are of average length and many are just plain ugly! ! !  Don't even get me started on the balls!  Some guys looked downright deformed.  Oh well, at least I got a heaping serving of cock.  That should satisfy me for a while.   

Blizzard Good For Vulvodynia But Bad For Pudendal Neuralgia

We have over two feet of snow on the ground here.  Digging out has been a nightmare.  My husband took care of the sidewalk while I tackled my car.  The furious winds created snowdrifts all over the neighborhood and a nice big one right against my car. 

After clearing away as much as I could from the top and right side, I decided to try to clear away the mountain of snow on the left side.  As I trudged around the car I quickly found myself up to my lady bits in snow.  Frankly it was kind of nice.  I thought maybe every lady out there with vulvodynia should take a few minutes to have a seat in the snow.  A couple steps further and suddenly the snow was over my boobs.  I was completely buried.  Because my car is only about a foot and a half away from my neighbor's fence clearing away that side was futile, but I still had fun.

In the backyard we started playing in the snow.  I dove backwards off the porch into the snow.  It was like landing in a memory foam bed.  If it weren't so damn cold I could have stayed there for hours.  Not the smartest thing to do with pudendal neuralgia, but I was fairly confident that I would have a soft landing.

I normally hate snow.  I had a sledding accident when I was 16 that may have actually caused my pudendal neuralgia.  My parents lived on a big hill so winter weather was always a blast.  One afternoon I took my standard poodle out with me to keep me company while I went sledding [technically an only child : ( ].  I climbed to the top of the hill for my first ride.  I took off at a good speed.  My dog ran playfully beside me.  Suddenly I hit something hard, was thrown up in the air and landed on my back with the sled on top of me.

The impact knocked the wind out of me.  I hit my tailbone so hard that I thought I was paralyzed.  As I regained my breath I remember telling myself, "ok try to move your toes."  I did so I knew I was ok.  I was in so much pain I couldn't get up for a few minutes.  My dog sat anxiously by my side.

When I finally got to my feet I realized what had happened.  I hit a tree stump hidden under the snow.  I dragged my sled back to the house and vowed to never sled again.  I still haven't.  From that point on, I've hated snow.

I didn't show symptoms of pudendal neuralgia for a few years, but that's the only injury I sustained to that area.  I'll probably never know definitively what caused my PN, but at least I've made peace with the snow.