OT: It's Never Just One Thing...

I don't have anything new to report on the vulvodynia or pudendal neuralgia front. Same old, same old.

I am dealing with another problem that is unrelated. It may be difficult for others to understand. I grew up in a chaotic household. My parents had a lot of problems and as I reached adolescence, so did I. I have the propensity to be incredibly self-destructive in all aspects of my life; from the people I associate with, to the actions I take.

I hit rock bottom more than four years ago, and at that point I began to turn my life around. I learned to value my life and myself. I distanced myself from my associates and I got a handle on all of my destructive behaviors.

It was during this time that I met my husband and went back to school. My life has been busy, but not chaotic. Unfortunately, whenever I hit a lull when I'm not busy, I start to come apart at the seams.

I'm in a massive lull right now. The wedding is over and my next semester doesn't begin until February. Most people would enjoy the downtime, but not me. There are dark corners of my mind that begin to take over. I feel dissociated, like I'm watching my life happen, but I'm not really there. I'm fighting the urge to self-destruct.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I thought I was over all of these problems. I finally have a good, stable life and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to live without chaos.

I'm getting help, but unfortunately this isn't a problem you can just fix with a pill. My therapist told me that I'm very complex. Great, that's the same thing my pelvic pain specialist said about my cooter! I'm just complex all and therefore nothing is easy.

A SIDE NOTE: I find it amusing that I can openly describe every nook and cranny of my lady bits, but when it comes to emotional issues, I'm extremely vague. I guess even I have limits.

Back at Work & Back in Pants

I love the fall. It's my favorite time of year. The cool air and the gray skies make me really happy. It reminds me of when I truly fell in love with my husband. The only problem with the fall is that I have to start wearing pants. Ugh. Any woman with vulvodynia and/or pudendal neuralgia understands the pain of pants.

I've survived my first week back at work and I've had to wear pants and undies every day. Well, actually I couldn't take it today, so I'm going comando. I really can only wear panties for so long in a day before my clit starts complaining.

I'm back to the same old routine: my day begins with pain at a zero with the burning steadily increasing over the course of the work day. Resting at home after work brings the pain level down, but often not back to zero.

If I go to the gym, my pain level continues to increase. I call it waking the kitty. I'll be on the elliptical machine doing cardio when suddenly my kitty wakes up and starts howling. At that point I get off the machine and go sit on the toilet to rest my pudendal nerve. There's no science or medicine behind that, I just feel like maybe it might help. If nothing else I get to air it out after perspiring. Totally gross, I know...

Once I get home, I continue to rest and tender my pudendal nerve until bedtime. The next day, I wake up and repeat the cycle.

My life is like the movie Groundhog Day except with beavers.

So Much for the Cushion

I'm home from the honeymoon. The trip was incredible. I saw places in the world I never thought I would visit. It's all kind of a blur. Thank God I have pictures to prove I was really there.

Of course I had to bring my snatch along with me on the trip. I went to a lot of trouble to try and make sure my bits would be as comfortable as possible. I made a special cushion that could fit in a laptop bag. I even had the seamstress who altered my wedding dress make a special cover for the cushion...

Well, we arrived in Barcelona, took a cab to the hotel and I left the damn thing in the cab! I didn't realize my oversight until the next morning when we were packing up to get on the cruise. I can laugh at it now, but at the time I was really upset. I was very worried that the multiple two hour long bus trips in my future were going to cripple me.

The first night on the ship I was not in good form. I was in pain from having sat on an airplane for so long the day before and I was worried that I had developed a yeast infection from the wedding night.

I sunk into a very dark place. I felt trapped: trapped on a boat, trapped in my body, trapped in a bad place in my mind. I stayed up most of the night listening to depressing music and writing. What am I 13 again?!?!? I had very destructive urges, but I didn't act on them. I felt truly tested.

I realized that no matter how far away you go, you can never get away from yourself. I felt disillusioned.

The next day I came out of it and the boat finally left port. We were delayed because the ship had sustained damage on it's way back to Barcelona. The Mediterranean is not calm and smooth in October. We learned that the hard way.

The Mission of This Blog

I started this blog to share my story with other women, so they would know they weren't alone. I also wanted to let women know that there are treatments available and share what has worked for me. Most importantly, I wanted to show that it was possible to continue to LIVE with vulvodynia.

Let me take this time to clarify: vulvodynia does not have to be a life sentence, but I think that pudendal neuralgia is. Pudendal neuralgia is damage to the pudendal nerve. It is unlikely that damage will heal on it's own and even surgery offers no guarentees.

I don't think there's a magic cure for either afliction. I think it is something you have to work for every day to ensure that you are as comfortable as possible. It is in that vein that I share my experiences. There are oral and topical prescriptions that I take and physical accomodations that I make daily to avoid causing myself any pain. I have good days and bad. I try to share them all.

There are days when it does get to me and on those days I go to this blog to share my sadness and frustration. I do so with the hope that others will feel a sense of connection and understanding.

It is NEVER my intention to make others feel worse about their condition. If my words have caused any of you to feel dispair, I'm so sorry. I'm not a medical doctor, I'm not an expert. I am only one person sharing my pain and my experience on the internet.

I am successfully living every day with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. I've had to change my life to work around it, but I have an active sexlife and I even have days with no pain. I just take one day at at time and try not to focus on the big picture.

Still Sick...

I have had a fever for six days. I am weak and exhausted. I've had horrible headaches daily. I'm getting really tired of being sick.

I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow. There are things I need to do before I take three weeks off, but it's my job's policy that I not return until I've gone 24 hours without fever. I don't want to risk getting my coworkers sick.

I hadn't told my bosses my diagnosis, but at this point I think it's necessary. I sent them an email explaining that I most likely have H1N1 and asking if they would like me to report to work tomorrow. I'm still waiting for their reply.

My fiance and my family don't want me to drive. On Friday I decided to run an errand and knocked the driver-side mirror off my car before I made it out of the driveway. Probably a sign I shouldn't be behind the wheel...

This is just getting out of hand. I need my life back. I need to get better. There are only six days until the wedding.

Swine Flu & Vulvodynia

Ten days until my wedding, and I find out I probably have swine flu. I spoke to my doctor today and told him my symptoms. He said, "I think you have the flu." I told him that was strange because I got a flu shot 15 days ago. He said, "you didn't get a shot for swine flu and that's what's going around right now." His lab doesn't test for swine flu and he said that can often be inaccurate. He advised me to stay home, avoid people and not go back to work until I've been clear of a fever for 24 hours.

It started yesterday. I woke up feeling sick, but I shook it off and went to work. As the day wore on, my nose was dripping like a faucet. It wasn't like snot. It was like I was crying big splattering tears from my nose. I started to feel weak and light headed. I asked my supervisor if I could go home, although I was concerned about how I would get there. I got myself home and collapsed into bed. I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. It was exhausting to breathe. My neck, my arms and my legs ached when I moved.

I told my mom and she offered to drop off some medicine and soup. She called me after she had driven away to tell me she had left it on the porch. It's like I have the plague. My sister is afraid to see my parents because they saw me on Monday.

My fiance is sick, but he seems to just have a head cold. Thank God! I don't know how he doesn't have it. I pray that he doesn't start showing symptoms next week. We'll really be in trouble!

I'm trying not to think like that because it just makes me anxious. There's nothing I can do. It's all out of my hands. All I can do is try to get better.

I feel horrible. I hate feeling trapped and isolated at my house. I hate doing nothing. I always like to be busy and productive. There are things I need to do at work before we go on our honeymoon and I just can't do them. I physically need to be in the office to take care of them. I'm stressed about that.

The only positive note in this whole mess is that being sick is very good for my vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. I'm essentially reclining all the time. I'm not putting any pressure on my nerve. At least that's good. I couldn't take any extra pain right now.

Vulvodynia VS The Wedding Dress

I've been cool as a cucumber through this year of wedding planning. I haven't been stressed about anything until Tuesday. That night I went for my last dress fitting. It was a balmy day and my seamstress didn't have the air conditioning on in her house. It felt a little stuffy, but not uncomfortable.

Once the dress was on, it was a different story. My dress is large. I have a huge crinoline and a ball grown skirt. There have to be at least 30 layers of fabric between my lady business and the outside world. I started to get hot in my dress and my flower began to wilt.

I hadn't thought about being hot in the dress. I started to feel very anxious. If I'm hot in that dress, I'm going to sweat. If I sweat too much, I could develop a yeast infection or a spike in lactobacillus or a smegma build up. All of which could lead to days and even weeks of pain.

One night of sweaty kitty could ruin my wedding night and even my entire honeymoon. Would you want to spend 8 hours walking in a foreign city if your crotch was on fire?

I started to feel hopeless and overwhelmed. Normal women don't have to worry about this nasty crap on their wedding day. It's not fair. I hate my vagina sometimes.

On the car ride home I curled up in a little ball. I felt powerless. My mom tried to comfort me. She told me to request that the AC be on at the reception location.

Since that night of panic, I've picked myself up and started strategizing. I made the request for AC and they were happy to oblige at the reception site. I'm going to pack a hand-held fan and baby powder in my bag along with a few pairs of cotton panties.

I don't really wear panties of any kind because the pressure irritates my clit. I purchased some hipster panties that have some extra clam room. I'm going to try wearing them a few times and see how my clit manages.

I don't want my stupid crippled vagina to ruin my big night. I'm afraid I'm going to have to periodically sneak away to air out my goods. I really hope it doesn't come to that.