The Incredible Shrinking...ME

I took a tip from The Body Chronic and made the switch from Lyrica to Neurontin.  What a difference! ! !  

I started gradually putting on weight last January, but I just attributed it to being happy and in love.  I was finally enjoying life for the first time and one of the great pleasures in life is food.  I've always been on the smaller side and my weight has been the same for years.  

It didn't take long for me to start feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious.  My clothes stopped fitting.  But I told myself I was just filling out.  I focused on my much larger boobs.  They were fun.  I got to feel curvy and almost busty.  I bought sexy new bras and felt like a bombshell.  

The problem was, I kept getting bigger.  

In November, I started going to the gym roughly three times a week with my boyfriend.  I started curbing my dessert habit, but I saw no change.  

In December, my family went on vacation to celebrate my father's 70th birthday.  I had to wear bathing suites and tank tops.  No matter what I wore, I couldn't get comfortable.  There was one night I had to wear one of my boyfriend's T-shirts just to hide my body.  

Then I saw the pictures from the trip.  I was completely unrecognizable.  I had never been that big.  I was truly overweight.  

I had never had trouble losing weight before and I couldn't understand why it had become impossible.  Then I read one of posts on The Body Chronic about her troubles with Lyrica and weigh-gain.  She recommended Neurontin as an alternative.  

Suddenly, it all started to click.  Maybe Lyrica was my problem.  My doctor wasn't a big fan of Neurontin, but he said he would let me give it a try.

I made the switch two months ago and the results are dramatic.  I've really slimmed down.  I haven't lost that much weight, but I'm much smaller.  

I can't attribute it all to Neurontin.  I've been working hard at the gym for 4 months now.  The muscle definition is all me.  

I think Lyrica is a more effective pain management medication, but the side effects made it a bad match for me.  I really can't sit at my desk at all now.  I got lazy and sat for maybe two hours yesterday and  I'm flared now.  

I had to make a sacrifice fat or pain.  I chose pain because there are many ways I can avoid pain, but there was nothing I could do to avoid the fat. 

The Other End of the Paper Sheet

After living with vulvodynia for 6 years, I decided that I wanted to become a nurse and help other women suffering from the same affliction. Well, at least that's what I thought I wanted to do...

I spent the day at a women's clinic shadowing a Women's Health Nurse Practitioner. She was incredible with her patients. She kept the atmosphere relaxed and casual. She made her patients feel as comfortable as possible given the circumstances.

I found myself feeling pretty uncomfortable, though. I saw my first cervix and several more. I watched the NP perform pap and STD tests. She told me to stand right behind her, so I saw everything.

I gotta tell ya, it was worse for me to be on that side of the paper sheet! I didn't think that could be possible, but trust me, it was!

In all seriousness, I realized that I have a lot of issues with the vagina. I have hated mine for many years. Having to look at so many other babymakers brought back all my shame and distain. I couldn't sleep that night because I couldn't get those images out of my head. I felt disgusting, like I had seen something I wasn't supposed to see.

Hopefully, the shock will wear off over time...

I Can't Even Stand the Word

I was watching a health documentary over the weekend on the nervous system.  Naturally, the topic of pain was addressed.  I couldn't handle hearing about how pain can be beneficial and how pain can be turned off in times of extreme trauma.  My pain doesn't turn off.  My pain isn't beneficial.  

Every time I heard the word pain, I grew more and more agitated.  I eventually had to change the channel.  I realized then how much I hated the word pain.  I resent that word for what it connotes in my own life.  

In case you haven't noticed, I make a point to find funny words to substitute for vagina.  That's another word I don't particularly like.  The substitutions add some much needed levity to the topic of vulvodynia.  Perhaps it's time for me to find some better words for pain.  I went to thesaurus.com and couldn't find anything better.

Frankly, a lot of those words seem even worse than pain: agony, anguish, torment...  

Ultimately, I realized what I really wanted was to have vulvodynia without pain.  But no matter what word I use, silly or serious, at the end of the entry, I'm still in pain.       

Women Aren't Supposed to Sweat... Especially Not There...

I had about 5 good days. That's remarkable. It's been rough lately. Sandwiching those 5 days are two different yeast infections.

The first yeast infection began the day after I spent 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and 30 minutes weight training. By the following afternoon I felt like I had a yeast infection. It took me a little while to figure out the cause, but I'm fairly confident that it was the extensive (at least for me) workout.

This is an embarrassing topic, even for me, but I think my sweaty hatchet wound caused the yeast infection. I don't normally have a problem with lady sweat. Except in the summer, but who doesn't then? I also haven't been in the habit of working out EVER, so this is pretty new to me.

My suspicions were confirmed a week later when I developed what appeared to be another yeast infection after dancing for 3 hours straight at a wedding. My baby cannon got ridiculously sweaty that night.

I know, this is gross. What can I say? It's a topic I need to address.

So now, I'm a mere 10 days away from a tropical vacation and I need to stay fit. I want to go back to the gym, but I'm worried about making this latest yeast infection, that developed yesterday, worse. I certainly don't want to be flared, but I don't want to undo all my hard work to get in shape.

I've been trying to find something that could help to keep my kitty dry. I don't want to use anything with chemicals because most likely I would end up with a flaming honey pot. I'm going to try powder first. I have baby powder and I also found a Vagisil powder. Hopefully one of those will do the trick without making anything worse.

Yeast Infections and New Directions

Well being sick was therapeutic, but taking antibiotics wasn't.  I wound up with a yeast infection towards in the last few days I was on amoxicillin.  That naturally caused a flare, which put a damper on Valentine's Day activities.  

I saw my doctor for a refill appointment last week and told him that I wanted to start a support group in the area.  He told me that he would hand out brochures and fliers for me.  So far I haven't heard from anyone, but it's only been a few days.  I hope I can generate enough interest.  

I think blogging and forums are so helpful, I can only imagine a support group would be even better.  I'm learning so much from other women's stories online and I want to share it with others.  Living with vulvodynia can make you feel so isolated and ashamed.  Having a tangible network of other women who understand could make such a difference.      

I finally dragged my kneeling chair to work and it helps.  I still have pain, but it's considerably better than sitting in a conventional desk chair.  Being lazy on Tuesday, I accidently tested the difference.  I had a lot of work and I needed to be incredibly focused.  I thought being comfortable would help, so I sat in a large desk chair.  After 3 hours I was so flared; it was awful.  I was planning to go to the gym and run errands after work, but all I could do was go home and recline to try and quite my pudendal nerve.  

The following day, I only used the kneeling chair.  I didn't go home in nearly as much pain.  

God, I don't know what happened to me in the last few months.  I used to go days and days without pain.  Now I'm lucky if I get a few hours.  It sucks.  I can't think of a better way to explain it.  

But I'm soldiering on.  I'm putting a lot of my energy into my class and trying to remain proactive in my care.  I'm thinking about switching from Lyrica to Neurontin.  There are considerably fewer side effects on Neurontin and on Lyrica, I have to deal with virtually ALL the side effects.  

My memory is terrible because of Lyrica.  I'm in the most important relationship of my life and there is so much I just can't remember from the past year.  It's embarrassing.  I feel guilty, but I can't help it.  Before Lyrica, I had a remarkable memory.  I could recreate every moment to the smallest detail.  Now it's a blur.  I've been in this drug-induced fog since January 2007.  Don't get me wrong.  I need the drugs.  They help make life livable, but I think I can do better.  At least I hope I can.  

Weight gain has also been an issue.  I've probably gained 30 pounds in the last year.  I've always been on the slight side and 30 pounds is a lot.  The weight completely changed my figure.  While I liked having boobs for the first time in my life, I didn't like the rest of it at all.  

I've been going to the gym for 4 months and that's helped, but I'd like to lose a few more pounds.  Maybe changing drugs will make that a little easier.  

Making Accommodations

As I struggled with the last flare, I decided to take action. I ordered a new cushion and a kneeling chair to help keep me off me hot spot.

The cushion is from the Interstitial Cystitis Network. I learned of this product from the forum. I’ve tried cushions before with no relief. But people on the forum gave very positive reviews, so I gave it a shot. I use it in the car and it’s helping. I'm thinking about purchasing a second one for my boyfriend's car. I would definitely recommend the cushion.

I haven’t put the cushion through the rigors of protecting my butt during a full day at day. I don’t know how much help it would be, because ultimately I need to find a way to sit differently.

My mother suggested a kneeling chair. I called my doctor’s office to see if he recommended them to his patients, but his receptionist said she had never heard of them. Then I checked the forum. Again, people provided a positive response to the chair.

Unlike the cushion, with is less than $27, these chairs can be expensive. I needed to be sure it was worth the cost. After some searching, I found a back store that carried one model of the kneeling chair.

It was a perfect day to test it, because my gash were on fire. I arranged myself in the chair (it’s a little awkward) and found that the pain level was that of standing. I had just been sitting in the car (pre-cushion) and I was very uncomfortable. The kneeling chair really doesn’t allow you to put as much weight on your sniz.

I decided after sitting or kneeling in the chair for less than 5 minutes, I decided to give it a try. I ordered one online because it was cheaper than buying it in the store.

The kneeling chair hasn’t made its way to my office yet, because I park far away and I didn’t want to roll it or carry it up the street. It’s very light, but I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise considering there isn’t much to it.

I'll let you know if it can pass the test of time.

Sometimes Being Sick Is the Best Medicine

I think I got myself in trouble for using the word “worst” in a previous entry. Pain is dynamic and scales are relative. What was worst then is peanuts now.

I strongly believe that the last round of injections caused a nasty flare. In my attempt to avoid the word worst, persistent and hopeless are two good words that come to mind. I couldn’t sit for half an hour without searing pain. I got desperate and emotional.

Honestly, the greatest blessing this past week was getting really sick. I felt horrible. Sore throat, fever, headache, dizziness and complete exhaustion. I got permission to work from home on Wednesday. Like a good patient, I stayed in bed all day. Subsequently, I had no pain for an entire day. Good start.

On Thursday, I stood almost the entire day. Some pain. Less burning. I still felt sick as a dog! Friday, I wasn’t strong enough to stand. I did everything I needed to do for the day and got permission to leave early. I got right back in bed. Again, less pain.

Meanwhile, I was getting worse instead of better. I had a blinding headache for 8 days. I was so weak, I got winded walking from my car to the house and I had to rest for a long time after completing simple tasks. My mother forced me to go to an urgent care center. There I was told that I had sinusitis. A doctor gave me antibiotics and a note excusing me from work on Monday.

I am feeling so much better. Modern medicine is incredible. I started to make a major comeback in a day and a half once I began my course of antibiotics.

Thanks to my sinus infection, I was able to rest and stay off my pudendal nerve. It was enough time to quiet a raging flare. I feel very fortunate for the time I had to recover. I thought I wasn’t going to bounce back from that flare. I read that if not done precisely, a nerve block injection could cause irreparable damage to the nerve.

I thought I was ruined.