I have not posted in months because, nursing school has taken over my life. I don't think, say or do anything that is NOT school-related. I've been meaning to post since September when I went and saw my pelvic pain specialist.
I needed a refill of Neurontin, but when I called in to request it, his receptionist said I had to come in first. This wouldn't be an issue, but for the fact that his office has moved 45-50 minutes away from me.
When I saw my doctor, he told me that the last time I had schedule an appointment was in November of 2010. I had come to him with a suspected yeast infection, that (no surprise) turned out to be an overgrowth of lactobacillus instead.
I was amazed that I hadn't seen him in such a long time. Back in 2007, I feel like I must have seen him once a month.
This long reprieve reflects a couple factors:
1) I've learned how to be careful with my body and modify my behavior to prevent flares
2) When flares do occur, my doctor has given me enough tools to manage them on my own
3) I haven't had the time or energy to seek treatment when I felt I needed it
I have definitely managed. I had periods of severe pain, but I knew from my years of experience with my doctor and a better understanding of my body that with rest and better care, the pain would typically improve.
Admittedly, I haven't taken the best care of myself since nursing school began. I haven't bothered to use my estrogen/testosterone compound nightly, as prescribed. The consequence has been that of the scant few times I have had sex, it has been extremely painful at the onset.
I have had no sex drive since school started. For me, with less sex comes fewer pain issues. This is not necessarily a good thing. I know that my relationship has suffered because of school.
The positive thing to take away from this post is that I am managing my vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia well enough with the tools I have.
December 17, 2011
August 6, 2011
Vacation without the O
Since I started nursing school, it's been very difficult for me to keep track of the days. Now I can't keep track of the season. It does not feel like summer to me. I saw a back to school commercial and it confused me. I thought for a moment that I was in the middle of the school year already. No such luck.
I survived eight weeks of hell, taking OB and Peds with shreds of my sanity. This semester is supposed to be easier, but I'm doubtful knowing that I'm taking four classes, have two days of clinical, and I'm trying to work one 12 hour shift a week at the hospital.
The stress of school has had a detrimental impact on my sex drive. I'm so busy and so tired when my husband gets home that sex is the furthest thing from my mind. The handful of times we did have sex during this crazy semester something was missing...
That same thing was also missing when I spent some quality time with myself...
No O!
I thought once the semester ended, my orgasm would come back, but it didn't. I feel frustrated and dysfunctional. (More so than usual) I started looking at other potential contributing factors to my lack of orgasm.
The long days at the hospital were exacerbating my pudendal neuralgia so I started taking 1200 mg Q3 instead of 900 mg of Neurontin. It seemed to help, but was the higher dose quieting the orgasm nerve signals as well as the pain signals?
I don't know, but I've decided to scale back down to 900 mg and see what happens. I was even more motivated to scale back when I remembered that I was taking the highest dose possible. If my pain were to get worse, I would have no choice but to try other drugs. I'd rather have the comfort of knowing I can always go higher.
I survived eight weeks of hell, taking OB and Peds with shreds of my sanity. This semester is supposed to be easier, but I'm doubtful knowing that I'm taking four classes, have two days of clinical, and I'm trying to work one 12 hour shift a week at the hospital.
The stress of school has had a detrimental impact on my sex drive. I'm so busy and so tired when my husband gets home that sex is the furthest thing from my mind. The handful of times we did have sex during this crazy semester something was missing...
That same thing was also missing when I spent some quality time with myself...
No O!
I thought once the semester ended, my orgasm would come back, but it didn't. I feel frustrated and dysfunctional. (More so than usual) I started looking at other potential contributing factors to my lack of orgasm.
The long days at the hospital were exacerbating my pudendal neuralgia so I started taking 1200 mg Q3 instead of 900 mg of Neurontin. It seemed to help, but was the higher dose quieting the orgasm nerve signals as well as the pain signals?
I don't know, but I've decided to scale back down to 900 mg and see what happens. I was even more motivated to scale back when I remembered that I was taking the highest dose possible. If my pain were to get worse, I would have no choice but to try other drugs. I'd rather have the comfort of knowing I can always go higher.
July 14, 2011
Reiki Session
I got to experience something incredible at clinical one day. Two staff reiki masters were giving demonstrations for staff members; and since the staff was reluctant to try it, I got a chance to try it.
It was performed by two nurses. They asked me what drew me to nursing. I have a generic answer that doesn't pertain to my genitals, that I usually give, but because this was a healing session, I as honest with them about my vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia.
Neither nurse had heard of either condition. Should we be surprised?
I was told to lie down on a bed. One nurse practiced the art of reiki touch, while the other used a Tibetan crystal bowl to create this unbelievably resonant sounds. The combination was so powerful, especially the tones from the bowl. The sounds rolled through my entire body; and within minutes I felt like I was floating.
When the session concluded the nurses gave me a glass of water and told me to stay well hydrated for the rest of the day. I felt incredible for the rest of the day.
I highly recommend this alternative therapy to anyone who is comfortable with touch.
May 9, 2011
If Only My Jaw Were My Biggest Problem...
Last Thursday I went rollerskating with one of my friends, my sister and her fiance. My husband came too, but he didn't want to skate. I suspect he didn't want to look foolish. I used to love to skate, but I hadn't been on skates in 15 years. God that makes me sound old!
My girlfriend got it in her head that she wanted to join the local girls' roller derby. Of course my friend had never been on skates before when she made the decision, but that's beside the point... I told her I would practice with her, but derby was out of the question for me because I can't think of too many more reckless things to do for pudendal neuralgia. One fall on my butt and I could become infinitely worse.
A girl who looked like a member of the derby, with the pads and uniform. She came onto the rink, swept around behind me, then for some reason, she decided to push off on me. I was not prepared for it. It threw me right off my skates and I landed directly on my left wrist. I landed just behind my wrist guard. I felt a pop and I knew it was broken.
It started swelling immediately. I started screaming, please take my wrist guard off me. The girl who pushed me down told me she was afraid she would hurt me. (Ironic) I was rocking myself and wailing. The pain was unbelievable. I managed to rip the Velcro straps off and free my wrist. I was terrified to look at it. My husband ran out on the ring, got me out of my skates and got me on my feet. Apparently there is no protocol at the rink for what to do when a patron is injured. I was shocked about that. I wanted to get the girl's information, but I didn't ask. I was too busy crying.
As we drove to the emergency room I kept thinking, "Oh my God, I've ruined everything! How am I going to get through school?"
The nurse practitioner confirmed my worst fear: I broke my radial bone just below my wrist. He set it with a temporary cast and referred me to an orthopedist. I was given two shots of Dilaudid, which did nothing for the pain, but did calm me down.
That night I lay awake in horrible pain. The next morning I was able to get an appointment with the orthopedist. He put me in a new cast that goes above my elbow and locks my arm at a 90 degree angle. He told me I would be in a long arm cast for three weeks, then a shorter cast for the next three weeks.
I called my clinical instructor and told her about my broken arm. She told me that when she broke her elbow, she was not allowed to come into work until her cast came off. I had hoped it wouldn't be an issue, but her reaction made it clear that this was a serious issue.
I arranged to meet with my advisor at school to inquire how I should proceed. She took one look at me and said, "Shit!" Not a good sign. She told me that I would need to take an incomplete in my class and complete my clinical time in August. That was very disappointing, but the worst news was soon to come.
I may not be able to take my summer classes, effectively derailing my progress in the program. Without those classes I cannot graduate on time and those classes are only offered in the summer. In stead of graduating one year from now, I would graduate in the December, seven months later. There are only three classes I can take without completing those summer classes. I don't know what that would mean for my financial aid or my ability to remain a full time student.
I am waiting to learn the names of the instructors I need to meet with in order to determine if I will be allowed to take the classes.
I'm trying to stay positive. The good news is the spring semester is almost over...
My girlfriend got it in her head that she wanted to join the local girls' roller derby. Of course my friend had never been on skates before when she made the decision, but that's beside the point... I told her I would practice with her, but derby was out of the question for me because I can't think of too many more reckless things to do for pudendal neuralgia. One fall on my butt and I could become infinitely worse.
A girl who looked like a member of the derby, with the pads and uniform. She came onto the rink, swept around behind me, then for some reason, she decided to push off on me. I was not prepared for it. It threw me right off my skates and I landed directly on my left wrist. I landed just behind my wrist guard. I felt a pop and I knew it was broken.
It started swelling immediately. I started screaming, please take my wrist guard off me. The girl who pushed me down told me she was afraid she would hurt me. (Ironic) I was rocking myself and wailing. The pain was unbelievable. I managed to rip the Velcro straps off and free my wrist. I was terrified to look at it. My husband ran out on the ring, got me out of my skates and got me on my feet. Apparently there is no protocol at the rink for what to do when a patron is injured. I was shocked about that. I wanted to get the girl's information, but I didn't ask. I was too busy crying.
As we drove to the emergency room I kept thinking, "Oh my God, I've ruined everything! How am I going to get through school?"
The nurse practitioner confirmed my worst fear: I broke my radial bone just below my wrist. He set it with a temporary cast and referred me to an orthopedist. I was given two shots of Dilaudid, which did nothing for the pain, but did calm me down.
That night I lay awake in horrible pain. The next morning I was able to get an appointment with the orthopedist. He put me in a new cast that goes above my elbow and locks my arm at a 90 degree angle. He told me I would be in a long arm cast for three weeks, then a shorter cast for the next three weeks.
I called my clinical instructor and told her about my broken arm. She told me that when she broke her elbow, she was not allowed to come into work until her cast came off. I had hoped it wouldn't be an issue, but her reaction made it clear that this was a serious issue.
I arranged to meet with my advisor at school to inquire how I should proceed. She took one look at me and said, "Shit!" Not a good sign. She told me that I would need to take an incomplete in my class and complete my clinical time in August. That was very disappointing, but the worst news was soon to come.
I may not be able to take my summer classes, effectively derailing my progress in the program. Without those classes I cannot graduate on time and those classes are only offered in the summer. In stead of graduating one year from now, I would graduate in the December, seven months later. There are only three classes I can take without completing those summer classes. I don't know what that would mean for my financial aid or my ability to remain a full time student.
I am waiting to learn the names of the instructors I need to meet with in order to determine if I will be allowed to take the classes.
I'm trying to stay positive. The good news is the spring semester is almost over...
April 19, 2011
Has It Really BeenTwo Months Since I Posted!?!?
This is how insanely busy and stressful my life has been the last two months. I haven't even had time to think about my vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia, let alone write about it.
On the whole I've been managing pretty well. I've had problems with pain during my three hour class, even with my stupid cushion. I think I need to make some new ones. I think the foam is wearing out.
I'm having some pain with intercourse, but it's tolerable. I got a new prescription for my estrogen testosterone compound and I think that's helping.
My biggest problem right now is my jaw. I'm having BIG problems. About a month ago I got a root canal. That inflamed my jaw. The proceeding filling and crown placement in the subsequent weeks made it worse. I haven't been able to open my mouth more than half an inch for the last 12 days. The last 10 days I was on a prescription anti-inflammatory and a muscle relaxant. I saw my dentist yesterday and he was about to send me to an oral surgeon, when he decided to try a different muscle relaxant. The first one didn't seem to have any effect on me. Perhaps it's all the drugs I already take...
Well this new drug has knocked me on my ass. I drove to school today, but I can tell my reaction time is delayed. I feel very tired and groggy. I think the medication is helping. I can almost open my mouth an inch. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a start.
It's extremely aggravating because I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I literally cannot open my mouth. There are times when it makes me feel really anxious. I want to fight the resistance and stretch my mouth as wide as I can, but my doctor told me that's the worst thing I could do. I could potentially dislocate my jaw. Scary.
I've had jaw problems since I had my tonsillectomy in 2001. I had my jaw propped open for so long, it shifted the alignment of my jaw. I had some limited range of motion and a great deal of pain and stiffness in the mornings, but I could open my mouth. It took months to get better.
I ran into this problem again when I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. I elected to only do two at a time to reduce the amount of time my mouth had to be open.
It has never been this bad though. I could always open it, there was just a great deal of pain. This situation really worries me. I'm scared.
On the whole I've been managing pretty well. I've had problems with pain during my three hour class, even with my stupid cushion. I think I need to make some new ones. I think the foam is wearing out.
I'm having some pain with intercourse, but it's tolerable. I got a new prescription for my estrogen testosterone compound and I think that's helping.
My biggest problem right now is my jaw. I'm having BIG problems. About a month ago I got a root canal. That inflamed my jaw. The proceeding filling and crown placement in the subsequent weeks made it worse. I haven't been able to open my mouth more than half an inch for the last 12 days. The last 10 days I was on a prescription anti-inflammatory and a muscle relaxant. I saw my dentist yesterday and he was about to send me to an oral surgeon, when he decided to try a different muscle relaxant. The first one didn't seem to have any effect on me. Perhaps it's all the drugs I already take...
Well this new drug has knocked me on my ass. I drove to school today, but I can tell my reaction time is delayed. I feel very tired and groggy. I think the medication is helping. I can almost open my mouth an inch. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's a start.
It's extremely aggravating because I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I literally cannot open my mouth. There are times when it makes me feel really anxious. I want to fight the resistance and stretch my mouth as wide as I can, but my doctor told me that's the worst thing I could do. I could potentially dislocate my jaw. Scary.
I've had jaw problems since I had my tonsillectomy in 2001. I had my jaw propped open for so long, it shifted the alignment of my jaw. I had some limited range of motion and a great deal of pain and stiffness in the mornings, but I could open my mouth. It took months to get better.
I ran into this problem again when I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. I elected to only do two at a time to reduce the amount of time my mouth had to be open.
It has never been this bad though. I could always open it, there was just a great deal of pain. This situation really worries me. I'm scared.
February 14, 2011
V Day... This Was Supposed To Be A Funny Post...
I've been planning this post for a while. One of my girlfriends at school was sweet enough and brave enough to read my vulvodynia blog. She enjoy the smorgasbord of names for the pink canoe and suggested I make a list for one post of all the different names I have in my repertoire. I though V Day would be perfect, but I can't be silly right now.
It's stupid Valentine's Day, my husband made me a phenomenal meal, bought me flowers and a sparkly card, but I feel nothing. No desire. No connection. No intimacy. I don't know what's wrong with me or why it seems to be getting worse.
I got my first C in nursing school today and I just don't care. That's a bad sign. I may be coming unglued.
It's stupid Valentine's Day, my husband made me a phenomenal meal, bought me flowers and a sparkly card, but I feel nothing. No desire. No connection. No intimacy. I don't know what's wrong with me or why it seems to be getting worse.
I got my first C in nursing school today and I just don't care. That's a bad sign. I may be coming unglued.
February 11, 2011
It's Hurting More...
I've been doing really well with my pudendal neuralgia symptoms, aside from my attempt at Zumba. On the other hand, unfortunately, I've been experiencing more problems with my vulvodynia.
Nursing school and living with my parents have completely killed my sex drive. From the time I turned 13, I've always been an overly sexual being. It feels very strange. I feel like a very big, important part of myself is missing. My husband has become the sexual aggressor, but he's terrible at it. It's my fault, though, I taught him that all he needed to do was tell me he was in the mood and I would jump him. Those instructions came under completely different circumstances, when he had no sex drive.
Having him say in passing that he wants sex is repulsive. I never expected to feel this way. We rarely have sex now and when we do, I have to force myself. I don't want to disappoint him and reject him all the time. I know those are not the right reasons to have sex.
That could potentially be contributing to my increase in pain. It's a new pain. There is a great deal of pain upon insertion and it takes much longer to dissipate. Where my pain was always focused on the base of the vestibule, but now the pain encircles the entire entrance.
Naturally the increase in pain does not help my nonexistent sex drive. I've thought about seeing my specialist about it, but I don't want to bother.
It's sad. I never thought I would be so indifferent to sex.
There are probably other issues I need to address in order to understand what's happened to me.
February 1, 2011
Zumba + Pudendal Neuralgia = Freaky Pain
The spring semester started last Monday. My girlfriends are on what I assume is a New Year's Resolution health kick. They decided to attend a Zumba class at our gym and I hesitantly agreed to join them.
The Zumba class at school was freaky! Our instructor was flipping her hair, gyrating, and shaking her bits and pieces like a pro.
When I was in undergrad, I loved to get freaky dancing at the clubs. Sometimes if I was dancing on a bar or platform, men would hand me nasty, alcohol-soaked dollar bills. Some girls might have found that degrading, but I loved it. Despite that, even I was a little scandalized by the moves in this class. (God, when did I get so OLD! !
Even though I made a conscious effort to keep my moves low-impact my pudendal nerve started to flare. I realized that it wasn't the impact at all that was causing the pain, it was the thrusting and jiggling. I may be a small girl, but I've got A LOT of booty and I know how to shake it. I can only assume that the constant smack of my excessive booty tissue slamming against my pelvis irritated my cranky, prude pudendal nerve.
Only half way through the class I had to stop. I was the only one who couldn't keep up. I sat out one song, then decided to just do the upper body and arm parts of the workout.
I really enjoyed the class. It was liberating! I miss dancing like that. It never used to bother my nerve. I'd really love to attend another class, but I don't think my pudendal neuralgia will allow it.
January 28, 2011
Remembering Florence P. Kendall
Five years ago today, my grandmother died. She fought a short and fruitless battle with lung cancer. She never smoked a day in her 95 years. She dedicated her life to advancing the profession of physical therapy. She was not ready to stop working. She had so much left to do.
It still hurts.
She was my cheerleader, my inspiration and my hero.
I miss her.
It still hurts.
She was my cheerleader, my inspiration and my hero.
I miss her.
December 13, 2010
An Unfortunate Anniversary: 15 Years with an Eating Disorder
I literally just stormed upstairs to my room with tears in my eyes. I've been under a tremendous amount of stress with the end of the semester and my husband just hit a nerve and it wasn't my pudendal nerve.
I've been living with an eating disorder for 15 years! ! ! I just realized that December is the month it all began when I was 13 years old. Happy anniversary to me...
I was text book anorexic during middle school and on and off in high school. I was a very restrictive eater. There were so many things I didn't allow myself to eat. I did always make exceptions for the weekends, but otherwise, I ate very little. If I ate dinner with my parents and felt guilty about it, I simply vomited. Of course that created an entirely different feeling of guilt.
In college I became very, very sick. I got to the point where I didn't even like to allow myself water because it made me feel so fat. After being hospitalized for gastritis and severe dehydration, coincidentally also in December, my therapist wanted to hospitalize me so I could get in-patient treatment for my eating disorder.
I begged her not to because I was in my final semester of college and I couldn't afford to miss school and not graduate on time. We made an agreement that I would go to the student health center once a week to be weighed and if my weight went below 100 pounds I would have to go to the hospital.
I was very sick and a big part of an eating disorder is deceit. I started stuffing my clothes with paperweights, bars of soap, drinking bottles to hide my true weight. I can't stand to be deceitful. It gnaws at me until I break down. It was especially difficult in this situation because I was lying to two women who I respected and admired. Two women who genuinely cared about me when I despised myself.
I eventually came clean with my doctor and my nurse, putting them in an extremely difficult position. They didn't know what to do with me. I should have been in a hospital, but I was so close to graduation that they agreed that keeping me from graduating would be more detrimental to my fragile health.
I continued the weekly weigh-ins, without cheating. I kept my weight around 100 pounds and I saw my therapist tree times a week.
That's how I survived college. Moving back home and having a slightly more stable and less self-destructive life helped, but I never got treatment for my eating disorder. I continued to be a ridiculously restrictive eater. I hardly had any food in my apartment. I would eat a tomato or a piece of cheese for dinner.
I didn't start eating like a "normal" person until I started to get serious with my husband. I started buying cereal, eggs, milk and cheese for him to have for breakfast. When he moved in, we're started cooking together and eating balanced dinners. I discovered that I loved to cook and I loved good food.
I started eating breakfast maybe three years ago. I've even started eating lunch. I prefer to keep it very small: a yogurt or a piece of fruit. I was a "normal" weight.
When I gained 30 pounds from the Lyrica, it was very difficult for me to handle. I had never been heavy, but there I was having to buy all new clothes and try to make peace with my new body. I was in a healthy, stable relationship. I had a good job and a good life. I couldn't completely self-destruct like I used to. I started going to the gym and making healthier dinners to lose weight.
It took two years to get the weight off the healthy way. I won't say it's easier to lose weight through starvation, but you do get results a lot faster.
The purpose of this rambling post is to say that my eating disorder has never left me. I've experienced times of health. I've even gone years without inducing vomiting. But in times of stress or sadness, it's the first place I go. I start fixating on my weight. It feels like the only thing in my life I can control.
Naturally, in nursing school, I am under a lot of stress; and honestly, I don't think it's possible to get through the first semester at my school without experiencing some periods of depression. We work so hard constantly. There's no time for pleasure to balance out the stress. We isolate ourselves from our friends and family in order to stay on top of all the material.
Tonight I awkwardly asked my mother to not bring cookies into the house or at least to hide them from me. It's very uncomfortable for me to ask something like that. I'm ashamed that I can't control myself, but it's the only way I know how to manage my eating disorder is to keep foods like that out of the house.
My mother said, "oh."
"Welcome to my Hell," my husband said.
"Fuck you."
"Stop that! Don't talk like that at my table!" my mother cried.
I launched into a tear-stained tirade on how hard I struggle every day with my eating disorder. I was especially hurt because I had told him the day before that I was having a lot of trouble lately. I excused myself and put my plate in the kitchen.
As I went up the stairs I said, "why don't you try my 13 years of Hell?" I was off by a few years, but I think I made my point.
That brings you up to the present. I've spent the last hour writing this on the night before my last final when I should be studying. I'm nothing if not consistent. My eating disorder is always the first place I go under duress and writing is my second stop. I had to write this down. I don't know if anyone had the patience to read this post, especially since it has nothing to do with vulvodynia or pudendal neuralgia, but I had to write it down.
I've been living with an eating disorder for 15 years! ! ! I just realized that December is the month it all began when I was 13 years old. Happy anniversary to me...
I was text book anorexic during middle school and on and off in high school. I was a very restrictive eater. There were so many things I didn't allow myself to eat. I did always make exceptions for the weekends, but otherwise, I ate very little. If I ate dinner with my parents and felt guilty about it, I simply vomited. Of course that created an entirely different feeling of guilt.
In college I became very, very sick. I got to the point where I didn't even like to allow myself water because it made me feel so fat. After being hospitalized for gastritis and severe dehydration, coincidentally also in December, my therapist wanted to hospitalize me so I could get in-patient treatment for my eating disorder.
I begged her not to because I was in my final semester of college and I couldn't afford to miss school and not graduate on time. We made an agreement that I would go to the student health center once a week to be weighed and if my weight went below 100 pounds I would have to go to the hospital.
I was very sick and a big part of an eating disorder is deceit. I started stuffing my clothes with paperweights, bars of soap, drinking bottles to hide my true weight. I can't stand to be deceitful. It gnaws at me until I break down. It was especially difficult in this situation because I was lying to two women who I respected and admired. Two women who genuinely cared about me when I despised myself.
I eventually came clean with my doctor and my nurse, putting them in an extremely difficult position. They didn't know what to do with me. I should have been in a hospital, but I was so close to graduation that they agreed that keeping me from graduating would be more detrimental to my fragile health.
I continued the weekly weigh-ins, without cheating. I kept my weight around 100 pounds and I saw my therapist tree times a week.
That's how I survived college. Moving back home and having a slightly more stable and less self-destructive life helped, but I never got treatment for my eating disorder. I continued to be a ridiculously restrictive eater. I hardly had any food in my apartment. I would eat a tomato or a piece of cheese for dinner.
I didn't start eating like a "normal" person until I started to get serious with my husband. I started buying cereal, eggs, milk and cheese for him to have for breakfast. When he moved in, we're started cooking together and eating balanced dinners. I discovered that I loved to cook and I loved good food.
I started eating breakfast maybe three years ago. I've even started eating lunch. I prefer to keep it very small: a yogurt or a piece of fruit. I was a "normal" weight.
When I gained 30 pounds from the Lyrica, it was very difficult for me to handle. I had never been heavy, but there I was having to buy all new clothes and try to make peace with my new body. I was in a healthy, stable relationship. I had a good job and a good life. I couldn't completely self-destruct like I used to. I started going to the gym and making healthier dinners to lose weight.
It took two years to get the weight off the healthy way. I won't say it's easier to lose weight through starvation, but you do get results a lot faster.
The purpose of this rambling post is to say that my eating disorder has never left me. I've experienced times of health. I've even gone years without inducing vomiting. But in times of stress or sadness, it's the first place I go. I start fixating on my weight. It feels like the only thing in my life I can control.
Naturally, in nursing school, I am under a lot of stress; and honestly, I don't think it's possible to get through the first semester at my school without experiencing some periods of depression. We work so hard constantly. There's no time for pleasure to balance out the stress. We isolate ourselves from our friends and family in order to stay on top of all the material.
Tonight I awkwardly asked my mother to not bring cookies into the house or at least to hide them from me. It's very uncomfortable for me to ask something like that. I'm ashamed that I can't control myself, but it's the only way I know how to manage my eating disorder is to keep foods like that out of the house.
My mother said, "oh."
"Welcome to my Hell," my husband said.
"Fuck you."
"Stop that! Don't talk like that at my table!" my mother cried.
I launched into a tear-stained tirade on how hard I struggle every day with my eating disorder. I was especially hurt because I had told him the day before that I was having a lot of trouble lately. I excused myself and put my plate in the kitchen.
As I went up the stairs I said, "why don't you try my 13 years of Hell?" I was off by a few years, but I think I made my point.
That brings you up to the present. I've spent the last hour writing this on the night before my last final when I should be studying. I'm nothing if not consistent. My eating disorder is always the first place I go under duress and writing is my second stop. I had to write this down. I don't know if anyone had the patience to read this post, especially since it has nothing to do with vulvodynia or pudendal neuralgia, but I had to write it down.
November 23, 2010
Finally Getting Better
It took the full six day treatment and a few days of rest, but I think my pink taco is free of sour cream! (Like that visual? Sometimes I even gross myself out!) My pudendal neuralgia is keeping the area inflamed, but there are no other symptoms. The pain is dissipating slowly.
November 16, 2010
Out of Commission for Two Weeks
I can usually ascertain the cause of a bacterial imbalance in my lady bits, but not this time. I have no idea what caused it. I started having burning and discharge (gross) about two weeks ago. My first impulse to self-medicate. In the past that has been a problem because by the time I get to my specialist, there's no evidence of an infection and all that I have left is residual burning from my flared pudendal nerve. On those occasions, I got a very stern scolding from my doctor.
This time I decided to be a good girl and schedule an appointment and do nothing to teat my symptoms. Unfortunately, I couldn't get an appointment until Thursday, a full week after the symptoms began. Ugh!
It was a miserable week, but I thought it would be worthwhile when my doctor said, "yes, this time you really do have a yeast infection." Not this time!
After looking at my cells under the microscope my doctor's PA found that I did not have any signs of yeast! So frustrating! The good news is, even if I had self-medicated it wouldn't have helped. The bad news is, I don't know what caused it and the treatment is messy.
I hate using overnight vaginal creams because the whole next day that cream gets all over my squish! Yuck! Obviously, I have to wear underwear on those days, which causes more pain to my poor sloppy moose knuckle!
Hopefully, this clears up soon. It's making me feel gross.
This time I decided to be a good girl and schedule an appointment and do nothing to teat my symptoms. Unfortunately, I couldn't get an appointment until Thursday, a full week after the symptoms began. Ugh!
It was a miserable week, but I thought it would be worthwhile when my doctor said, "yes, this time you really do have a yeast infection." Not this time!
After looking at my cells under the microscope my doctor's PA found that I did not have any signs of yeast! So frustrating! The good news is, even if I had self-medicated it wouldn't have helped. The bad news is, I don't know what caused it and the treatment is messy.
I hate using overnight vaginal creams because the whole next day that cream gets all over my squish! Yuck! Obviously, I have to wear underwear on those days, which causes more pain to my poor sloppy moose knuckle!
Hopefully, this clears up soon. It's making me feel gross.
October 16, 2010
I Haven't Forgotten
Midterms have begun. I have three weeks of Hell in front of me. Nursing school is unbelievably demanding! I still haven't figured out the best way to stay on top of all the material. I'm putting all my energy into my most difficult class, but unfortunately they are all difficult. The class I've neglected the most just snuck up behind me and bit me in the ass. That midterm was ridiculous!
I've been managing my vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia pretty well. On some days, I even bring my cushion to class. On the sex front, I've discovered that I really do have less pain with non-latex condoms! Who would have thought?!?! Perhaps they reduce the amount of friction. I do have to use more lube; and if we change positions, I have to reapply. It's easy. Instead of wiping my hand off before we get down to business, I just keep it coated, so the KY is there if I need it without having to interrupt the flow.
It's funny, I always thought condoms were the antithesis of intimacy, but they've brought an exciting new element to our activities... Let's just say we're both enjoying ourselves... And every time I go to the bathroom after sex, like a good little girl, I'm shocked by the lack of post-coital burning.
All that fun stuff aside, I know that my posts have grown more infrequent and for that I apologize. Nursing school has swallowed me whole. I'm going to try to be more active on this blog. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still living every day with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. I'm working hard and I'm living a normal (if you call living in a two bedroom condo with your parents, your husband, two dogs and a cat, while your own house sits empty on the market normal) life. I have an active sexual relationship with my partner and my daily pain level is manageable.
It is possible to enjoy life with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia.
Don't lose hope.
I've been managing my vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia pretty well. On some days, I even bring my cushion to class. On the sex front, I've discovered that I really do have less pain with non-latex condoms! Who would have thought?!?! Perhaps they reduce the amount of friction. I do have to use more lube; and if we change positions, I have to reapply. It's easy. Instead of wiping my hand off before we get down to business, I just keep it coated, so the KY is there if I need it without having to interrupt the flow.
It's funny, I always thought condoms were the antithesis of intimacy, but they've brought an exciting new element to our activities... Let's just say we're both enjoying ourselves... And every time I go to the bathroom after sex, like a good little girl, I'm shocked by the lack of post-coital burning.
All that fun stuff aside, I know that my posts have grown more infrequent and for that I apologize. Nursing school has swallowed me whole. I'm going to try to be more active on this blog. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still living every day with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. I'm working hard and I'm living a normal (if you call living in a two bedroom condo with your parents, your husband, two dogs and a cat, while your own house sits empty on the market normal) life. I have an active sexual relationship with my partner and my daily pain level is manageable.
It is possible to enjoy life with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia.
Don't lose hope.
August 10, 2010
Sorry It's Been A While
I just realized it's been nearly a month since my last post! I'm sorry I haven't been more active. My life continues to be crazy. I'm two days into my final week at my job. Scary. Goodbye paychecks, hello debt!
I spent last week at the beach with my husband's family. It was a nice vacation. The best part was the fact that I got to rest my pudendal nerve. My flare is finally over. I'm still being very careful. I spent the six hour car ride to and from the beach lying across the backseat, just like the doctor ordered. I felt stupid and high maintenance, but it was a necessary precaution. Fortunately for me, my husband prefers to drive, so he wasn't put out by the arrangement.
I have so many loose ends to tie up at work, which is forcing me to sit at my desk instead of stand. It only takes a few hours for the pain to build up, even sitting on the cushion. I wanted to go to the gym tonight, but my pudendal neuralgia had other plans.
I'm so busy right now, I don't even have time to freak out about going to school. Wait and see how I'm doing this weekend...
I spent last week at the beach with my husband's family. It was a nice vacation. The best part was the fact that I got to rest my pudendal nerve. My flare is finally over. I'm still being very careful. I spent the six hour car ride to and from the beach lying across the backseat, just like the doctor ordered. I felt stupid and high maintenance, but it was a necessary precaution. Fortunately for me, my husband prefers to drive, so he wasn't put out by the arrangement.
I have so many loose ends to tie up at work, which is forcing me to sit at my desk instead of stand. It only takes a few hours for the pain to build up, even sitting on the cushion. I wanted to go to the gym tonight, but my pudendal neuralgia had other plans.
I'm so busy right now, I don't even have time to freak out about going to school. Wait and see how I'm doing this weekend...
July 18, 2010
The Block Wore Off
I am still so impressed by the success of my pudendal nerve block. It really helped and seemed to reduce the pain. But all good things must come to an end. I had the block last Friday and by Monday it started to come back.
I worked from home as much as I could. As the week went on the pain got worse. It wasn't as bad as it was before the block, but it was bad. I was getting the shot of pain with every step I took. I called my doctor to see what I could do. The answer was disheartening. Nothing.
I can't get another block for three to four weeks. All I can do is go up on my Neurontin, take pain meds as needed and rest. I shed a few tears after I hung up the phone. I felt helpless. There's nothing proactive that I can do.
I worked from home as much as I could. As the week went on the pain got worse. It wasn't as bad as it was before the block, but it was bad. I was getting the shot of pain with every step I took. I called my doctor to see what I could do. The answer was disheartening. Nothing.
I can't get another block for three to four weeks. All I can do is go up on my Neurontin, take pain meds as needed and rest. I shed a few tears after I hung up the phone. I felt helpless. There's nothing proactive that I can do.
July 15, 2010
Successful Pudendal Nerve Block
I thought the heat and the bathing suites were going to do me in, but in the end it was the actual trip that caused me pain. It took us more than four hours to get to and from the beach. Even though I was sitting on my cushion, my pudendal nerve flared.
I started to feel pain in the second hour in the car. I tried to shift around and find a comfortable position without much luck. I had intermittent pudendal nerve pain during the holiday weekend, but I wasn't too worried.
After I returned to work, I realized I was in a flare. Every day it got worse. The pain was constant. There was no position I could get into the brought me relief. By Thursday, every step I took caused a shock of pain. I've never had that before. The pain was concentrated around the opening of my urethra. The area was burning.
After a trip the gym on Thursday, I knew I was in trouble. The pain got so much worse after I did a series of sit ups.
The next day I saw my doctor who suggested a nerve block. He said it could really help with an acute flare. He performed an extremely painful vaginal nerve block. I couldn't help but cry as he located the nerve canal and performed the injections.
Within a few hours, the tears were worth it, because the area was completely numb. I wasn't in pain. I continued to walk gingerly for the next few days, but the nerve block really seemed to knock out the flare.
I started to feel pain in the second hour in the car. I tried to shift around and find a comfortable position without much luck. I had intermittent pudendal nerve pain during the holiday weekend, but I wasn't too worried.
After I returned to work, I realized I was in a flare. Every day it got worse. The pain was constant. There was no position I could get into the brought me relief. By Thursday, every step I took caused a shock of pain. I've never had that before. The pain was concentrated around the opening of my urethra. The area was burning.
After a trip the gym on Thursday, I knew I was in trouble. The pain got so much worse after I did a series of sit ups.
The next day I saw my doctor who suggested a nerve block. He said it could really help with an acute flare. He performed an extremely painful vaginal nerve block. I couldn't help but cry as he located the nerve canal and performed the injections.
Within a few hours, the tears were worth it, because the area was completely numb. I wasn't in pain. I continued to walk gingerly for the next few days, but the nerve block really seemed to knock out the flare.
July 2, 2010
Warm Weather Blues
I'm enjoying the 4th of July weekend at the beach, but summer weather presents a lot of problems for someone living with vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia. There are even more accommodations to make to stay comfortable.
I typically can't wear panties. The pressure of even flimsy cotton panties again my clit causes a great deal of irritation. If I have to wear panties, I can only wear them for a limited period of time. In the summer, the desire to wear panties increases a great deal because of sweating. I know, totally gross, but I want to be honest here. Naturally if it's hot and humid, areas of your body that overlap are going to perspire. This makes panties really appealing.
On a really hot day I'll wear panties and powder my thighs. I usually can't go a few hours without having to take them off. Other days if my love button is especially cranky, I'll just powder my thighs and hope for the best. I keep a pair of panties in a sunglasses case in my purse just in case I can't stand it.
The other day my bean was raw and angry. I went to the freezer for some ice and discovered a small blue ice pack that was just the right size. It felt good to have the extreme cold on my angry folds.
Take all these issues and put them on the beach and what do you get? A problem. If you want to wear a bathing suite, you're just asking for trouble. I just spent the afternoon on the beach and my kitty is not happy with me. I try to create a little space between the bathing suite fabric and my lady bits. It helps a little bit.
Despite the discomfort, I'd rather have a weekend on the beach with an angry kitty.
I typically can't wear panties. The pressure of even flimsy cotton panties again my clit causes a great deal of irritation. If I have to wear panties, I can only wear them for a limited period of time. In the summer, the desire to wear panties increases a great deal because of sweating. I know, totally gross, but I want to be honest here. Naturally if it's hot and humid, areas of your body that overlap are going to perspire. This makes panties really appealing.
On a really hot day I'll wear panties and powder my thighs. I usually can't go a few hours without having to take them off. Other days if my love button is especially cranky, I'll just powder my thighs and hope for the best. I keep a pair of panties in a sunglasses case in my purse just in case I can't stand it.
The other day my bean was raw and angry. I went to the freezer for some ice and discovered a small blue ice pack that was just the right size. It felt good to have the extreme cold on my angry folds.
Despite the discomfort, I'd rather have a weekend on the beach with an angry kitty.
May 14, 2010
I'm Not Good With Change
The closer I get to nursing school, the more fear and doubt I have. I'm scared that I won't make it through school. I'm scared that I'll have anxiety attacks at the sight of blood. I'm scared of completely changing careers. Once I start this program, there's no turning back.
Over the past week, I've received a few emails from readers here that reminded me why I've come this far. There are so many women who need help and I want to be able to help in a professional capacity. The only way that's going to happen is if I get through nursing school and get two more degrees under my belt.
Over the past week, I've received a few emails from readers here that reminded me why I've come this far. There are so many women who need help and I want to be able to help in a professional capacity. The only way that's going to happen is if I get through nursing school and get two more degrees under my belt.
April 30, 2010
All Quiet on the Vagina Front
My vulvodynia and pudendal neuralgia have been under control the last couple weeks. I've been able to get through an entire day at work without pain! I think it's because I'm splitting my time between sitting on my cushion and standing.
I still have pain when I do strenuous work or go to the gym. Last weekend, my husband used his favorite wedding gift, a chain saw, on some branches that have been cluttering our yard for a year. I carried the smaller logs and put them in a pile in the corner of the yard. I also scavenged the yard for sticks, creating a separate pile for them. The repetitive motion of bending and lifting caused my pudendal nerve to flare. I had to stop that activity and I haven't gone back.
When my body starts talking, I drop what I'm doing and listen. It's just not worth it to push myself to do that extra five minutes on the elliptical or pick up that last log in the yard. The price is just too high. I've found a good routine that allows me to live a pretty normal life and avoid causing myself pain as much as possible. There's always some pain with sex, but it's manageable. With the compound back in my system, there is less burning pain after sex.
I'm content with my holding pattern. We'll see how long it lasts.
I still have pain when I do strenuous work or go to the gym. Last weekend, my husband used his favorite wedding gift, a chain saw, on some branches that have been cluttering our yard for a year. I carried the smaller logs and put them in a pile in the corner of the yard. I also scavenged the yard for sticks, creating a separate pile for them. The repetitive motion of bending and lifting caused my pudendal nerve to flare. I had to stop that activity and I haven't gone back.
When my body starts talking, I drop what I'm doing and listen. It's just not worth it to push myself to do that extra five minutes on the elliptical or pick up that last log in the yard. The price is just too high. I've found a good routine that allows me to live a pretty normal life and avoid causing myself pain as much as possible. There's always some pain with sex, but it's manageable. With the compound back in my system, there is less burning pain after sex.
I'm content with my holding pattern. We'll see how long it lasts.
April 20, 2010
Crowded
Well the idea of living with my parents while we try to sell our house and while I'm in school seemed like a good idea when they were on vacation, but they've been back for a week now and I have one major problem: SEX!
We can't have sex! Our bedrooms share a wall and I have a feeling my husband isn't cool enough to creep down to the living room late at night for a little fun. He's a prude. To make matters worse, they're retired, so at least one of them is home all the time.
Honestly, it's only a minor complaint. We can always have rendezvouses at our house. We'll see.
We can't have sex! Our bedrooms share a wall and I have a feeling my husband isn't cool enough to creep down to the living room late at night for a little fun. He's a prude. To make matters worse, they're retired, so at least one of them is home all the time.
Honestly, it's only a minor complaint. We can always have rendezvouses at our house. We'll see.
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